


The Unlikely

by IreneFordyce



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Bullying, Castiel Has Panic Attacks, Charlie Ships It, Childhood Friendship, Dean is a Little Shit, Everyone ships it tbh, Fluff and Angst, Growing Apart, Jock!Dean, M/M, Sam is Not Amused, Self-Acceptance, Social Anxiety, nerd!Castiel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-29
Updated: 2015-10-18
Packaged: 2018-04-11 21:10:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 28,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4452497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IreneFordyce/pseuds/IreneFordyce
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What was once the most inseperable pair of best friends, Castiel Novak and Dean Winchester, were torn apart and became strangers after a mistake. Anxieties heightened, and anger worsened. Things have changed and time has passed, and its hard to say if they're still the same persons they were. But what happens when another mistake breaks their barriers and make them closer than before?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. "Nice one, Winchester!"

"This is a bad idea, Gabriel." Castiel clutched his backpack in a death grip as his older brother dragged him across the street. It was beyond his usual time to be staying outside, and the stars had already gone overhead. He should have gone home immediately, but Gabriel would have none of that.

According to his brother, it's time for him to start... socializing. Castiel couldn't even say the word without cringing. They were on their way to a party hosted by some seniors, who were close with Gabriel. Although "close" would be a too unrealistic way of saying it. 

Everyone in school knew who Gabriel was. He was the resident trickster, the main cause of almost every ridiculous prank unimaginable. He was very popular for it, especially since the administration never seems to catch him in the act or prove it. All the students would crowd around him and ask for random tasks and dares to do, and he never fails to please in exchange for his favorite kind of currency: candy.

Castiel, on the other hand, was a shadow against corners. Not many students even knew his name or see him around. In class, he barely speaks and gets mistaken for being mute. No one would even believe that he's related to Gabriel, but his older brother has always been taking care of him discreetly. When in times of getting bullied, Gabriel always finds a way to protect him, but it's not always that his brother would be there. There were numerous times when he would be in the middle of getting pushed around and ended up soaking wet from getting dumped in the school fountain.

Gabriel would always apologize if it happens because of his absence, and he would promise to get even with the bullies, but Castiel would tell him otherwise and just leave them be. They were both afraid of getting in real trouble with authorities because their oldest brother, Michael, would skin them alive.

He wasn't always this easily bullied in the past. When he was a kid, he always had someone protecting him aside from his brothers, but that was the past now.

"Relax, Cassie! This is an open for all party, and not everyone in there are douchebags, okay? I'll be there if you get into trouble. Try not to, though. I've got my eyes on Kali tonight." Gabriel wiggled his eyebrows and winked. Castiel rolled his eyes and tried his best to keep up with his brother.

Castiel was imagining a calm atmosphere of people gathering and dancing in his head. He's never been to a party like this before, so he has no idea what Gabriel has in store for him aside from what he hears from him on his stories. 

A strong smell reached his nose and he can't help but go still at the sight of the house. There were people scattered over the lawn and over the entrance of the house, having a smoke or what Castiel thought was just smoking cigarettes. Music was blaring loudly in the air, and they were still several meters away. Disco lights were whirring in ballistic patterns against the windows and the frosted glass door frame. 

The smell of smoke from cigarettes and weed were strong enough to suffocate an asthmatic person as they got closer. Castiel maneuvered away from the smoke at the fear of fogging up his thick-rimmed glasses. Gabriel looked unfazed compared to his little brother's look of shear terror. This was not what he expected at all. He wasn't really sure if his definition of fun coincided very well with his brother anymore.

Before Castiel could grab hold of his brother and tell him that he'll go home, he was already being hurriedly dragged through the crowd. At the sight of the trickster, people moved away out of respect and even said greetings and such, but when they saw Castiel, the faces of uncertainty and confusion were hard to disregard.

In such a hurry, Castiel almost knocked a guy off the porch with his huge backpack. He hushed an apology, but his voice was caught in his throat. When talking to anyone aside from his brothers, he could never get the right words to come.

The inside of the house was a whole new different kind of toxic. Alcohol was flying in all directions. Loud laughing and drunk cries mixed horribly with the blazing music. Look to one corner and you'd see a couple sticking their faces together or complete strangers grinding into each other in a very uncoordinated rhythm. Everything was a complete mess. The smell of alcohol and sweat made Castiel dizzy, and the lights that occasionally blind him into a haze was not helpful.

Gabriel settled Castiel near the large table beside the kitchen. "Alright, little bro. Have fun, okay?" His attention was quickly caught by the lady who walked up to him.

That must be Kali, Castiel noted. She was notably beautiful, but Castiel jerked away at the look she shot at him.

"Bye, Cassie." Gabriel was too distracted with a huge grin on his face, and they both disappeared into the crowd leaving him behind. Castiel inched away to a corner. Not even a deer spotted by headlights could compare to his expression right now.

His heart rate had already began to rise and thrum loudly in this chest even beyond the noise of the music. He forced himself to calm down by closing his eyes. He was not going to have a panic attack here. He doesn't want to make Gabriel miss his good time just because of him. 

The shaking of his hands and his whole body in general was getting harder and harder to stop. He opened his eyes and he kept moving them across the crowd as if he was anticipating any attack. 

"Hey." A hand landed on his shoulder, and the sound that came out of his mouth was loud enough to make those near him to snap their heads to look. He looked down cautiously, fidgeting his fingers around the end of his sweater.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to surprise you." Castiel looked up to see a concerned face on a girl with dark hair. He couldn't really see very well because of the dancing lights.

"Hi, I'm Charlie. I thought you needed a friend, because you look like you're about to have a heart attack here." She chuckled lightly before withdrawing her hand. 

Castiel nodded and was now looking at the floor.

"I know what will calm you down. I'll be right back, okay?" She clapped her hands together excitedly and disappeared through the kitchen's swinging doors.

Castiel was thankful that the girl didn't force him to speak or reply like most people who try to interact with him. He always preferred to listen when people spoke to him. Even during those times when he was a kid before he and his best friend drifted apart. He shook his head at the thought.

He shouldn't be thinking about that. It would only make him sad and make his chest bind painfully. He shouldn't feel so lost without someone who made him feel so wanted years ago. But every time he is reminded of the little things that once upon a time made him happy, it would only pierce a new wound in his chest.

Being silent never did him any good growing up. His brothers were all very outspoken and confident. He guesses that all that confidence ran out when he was born. He didn't get the dominant genes his older brothers had, but it really wasn't a problem in the past.

There was a time when there was so much warmth in his life. His family was happy and he had a best friend that never judged him for his silence. With the amount of ease and contentment he had, he never seemed to notice his words slipping through the silence then.

But so much changed all of a sudden when he was barely ten years old. His father disappeared without a trace and his best friend also decided to make a disappearing act. But it was different.

Michael is still trying to find out what happened to their father. He's a lawyer now and has quite the good record with his work. He may not show it with his composure, but he was the most affected when their dad disappeared. Lucifer was always a rebellious child, but when their dad was gone, it got worse. He dropped out of school and does who knows what with his time. He and Michael always got into fights and exchanges, because he sometimes comes home bringing loads of cash. Michael was sure that it wasn't from anything good.

Gabriel always acted very laid back and unaffected, but Castiel knew that his brother cried and locked himself in his room that time. 

Castiel was never really close with his father and did not really feel for his disappearance, but seeing his brothers like that made him depressed and more antisocial. Before his father vanished, he and his best friend got into a... misunderstanding. And it didn't take talking or anything for him to decide to leave Castiel and never show up in their house again.

Since then, his silence got worse and worse. He could only say a short hushed sentence at best, and that would only be reserved for his brothers. His voice would always stutter and fall short when reciting in class. He grew up getting laughed at and getting low marks in oral recitations. 

This didn't affect him academically, though. He was easily always the top in his classes. Studying kept his mind off his anxieties and it kept him from having mental breakdowns in the middle of the night. It was always a pitiful sight when he has his breakdowns. Michael would sometimes call for an ambulance, while Gabriel tries to calm him down from getting his thoughts drowned in negativity. Lucifer was rough around the edges, but he was a softy for Castiel and would surprise the family by cooking food to help him calm down. It always did help, but it was only a matter of time before his next breakdown would happen.

Here in this party, he was very sure that he was about to breakdown any second, but that girl's calming tone reminded him well of comfort. He wanted to thank her, but his voice denies him access.

Only a few seconds passed before Charlie swung through the doors holding up two red cups in her hands. She balanced it well while dodging the random people in drunken steps. She held one cup in front of Castiel, and he was slightly unsure if he should take it. 

"It's okay. No alcohol, swear. It's just lemonade with generous amounts of honey in it. It's delicious, I promise!" She smiled warmly.

Castiel's interest was piqued at the word "honey." He always loved honey and preferred it over the globs of sugar that Gabriel forces into his morning pancakes. He took the cup and had a small sip. His delight must have been obvious on his face because the girl started chuckling.

"See? I told you it's delicious."

Castiel could only nod in response. "I...I-I'm Cas...t-tiel." It took more effort than he thought, and his voice was cracking. The music wasn't very loud that moment, so he hopes Charlie heard him. He was caught off guard by the girl's sudden light punch against his arm.

"Did we just become best friends?" Her smile was wide and it was beaming with exciement. Castiel was unsure why an act of violence was necessary, but he replied with a very faint smile. It was barely there, but Charlie saw it well.

There was a commotion up ahead, and both couldn't help but also move their attention toward the door. Alistair was leading the group of varsity players into the house. Castiel never liked him. He knew what this person does whenever things don't go his way. He was sadly honored with firsthand experience. Alistair liked to give people pain in whatever manner he liked. Castiel could still remember the first time Alistair grabbed his hair and pushed his head down in the fountain. The guys with him cheered as he was choking against the water.

The thoughts in his head raised in intensity, and he was sure that he'll have a breakdown if he doesn't calm down and not entertain those thoughts.

People cleared a path for them easily. There were more cheering and noises blaring against the room now. The newcomers all looked smug and comfortable with the attention they were getting. 

"I knew it was too impossible for those guys to miss this party..." Charlie huffed from beside Castiel.

He drank more of the juice to calm him down from all the noise levelling up around him. Everything will be fine, he said to himself. There's no reason to have a breakdown, he thinks. Gabriel will come if something happens. He promised.

Those words kept repeating in his head, but it didn't have the effect he hoped for. He was getting more and more anxious. Knowing that he looked like the most out of place person in the area, it was only a matter of time before Alistair could spot him. His drink was rising in his stomach, and he strained to keep himself from throwing up.

"Hello, Castiel!" 

He went still. The music dulled around his heart's erratic drumming. His grip tightened on the cup that had begun to shake in his hand. Charlie was mumbling comforting things to him, but it was easy to hear the concern and fear in her voice. 

A hand that he knew didn't belong to Charlie wrapped around his shoulders. He looked up slowly to see Alistair beaming at him with his disgusting grin.

"You're the last person I expected to see here, buddy." He continued talking, but Castiel's thoughts were spiralling out of control and all he could see was the evil in his face. He faintly remembered Charlie's screaming before he was jerked toward the center of the room. His thoughts were failing to process what was happening, and he couldn't register all of the faces that were now circling him in a tight space.

Laughter erupted in the room, but he heard howls that made him start to shake again. The arm around his shoulder squeezed him tightly, and he closed his eyes while wincing. Voices were loud enough to make him go deaf, but everything was surreal around him that he couldn't focus on a single voice.

He barely noticed when people around him began to push him in a forceful jerk; It wasn't quite a punch, but it was in no way friendly. He doesn't even try to hide his fear. Even beyond his glasses, his eyes were wide with panic. His shaking only made the people around him howl with laughter louder. Charlie tried and failed to get in the circle, and Castiel was more concerned of them trying to hurt her. 

There were hands pulling him and pushing him, making him tumble across the space. His backpack was heavy and it didn't help him balance his stumbles. Just when he was finally about to break into a fit of panic, liquid came splashing down over his head and torso. The foul-smelling liquid that he registered as beer streamed down his face and sweater in copious amounts. 

The noise around him went silent. Only the music of the room blared. His eyes hovered around to see the faces of shock among the people. His glasses began to fog against the cold liquid dripping around the rims. His whole body went still just like everyone in the room.

He felt a painful twist in his chest when he looked up and his eyes connected to bright green ones directly across from him. There was surprise in his face, but Castiel could no longer keep the tears at bay in his eyes. He saw the large red cup that the one across held, emptied and spilling a few more drops to the floor.

Everyone began to cheer in laughter after those tense seconds. "Nice one, Winchester!" Castiel felt bile rise in his stomach, but he bit it down. And although his tears were running down his already soaking face, he forced himself to look down and drown out the laughter. He didn't want to spend another second staring into those green eyes. He didn't want to feel the warmth they once had on him be replaced with mockery. 

"Cas... I--"

Castiel didn't hear anything now. All he could remember was pushing past the crowd in a fast sprint he never knew he had in him. No one stopped him because they were all still caught up with amusement to do anything. He ran until he finally tipped over that guy by the porch. He ran and no longer cared about the smoke he inhaled in the way out. He ran as fast as he could away from that place.

He barely remembered falling to the ground somewhere dark and deserted, crying and shaking until little sounds started escaping his mouth. He hadn't even realized that he was dialling Michael on his phone. Seconds or minutes or hours passed; He wasn't sure anymore. But he was sure that he was already in a full-blown mental breakdown.

Everything else slipped into darkness as he saw his oldest brother run up to him with a face of panic and anger.


	2. "You are in big trouble, Winchester."

The faint sounds of an argument or a scolding woke Castiel up. He felt the prickling pain in his eyes that was a result of too much crying before passing out. The room was dark, but he could see the familiar glow-in-the-dark stickers of stars on the ceiling. He's safe now and tucked securely in his bed. 

With the way he was neatly and comfortably tucked in, he knew it was Lucifer who carried him to bed. His breathing has relaxed again, and he let the familiar feel of being home calm his senses. There was still the faint smell of the alcohol in his hair, but he was already in clean pajamas. The sounds downstairs were dulled out by the thick walls of his room. He was sure that he could no longer go back to sleep after waking up, so he slowly stood up to go downstairs. 

The moment he opened his door, the sound of Michael's angry voice greeted him loudly.

"You had one job, Gabriel! One job! After school, you take Castiel home. Instead, you disregarded this task and took him to a fraternity party?" Michael's voice made him wince on every word that he held down with force. He always loves Michael, but his strictness is not something to take lightly. He wasn't OCD, but he takes order and responsibilities very seriously. Castiel never wanted to make Michael disappointed in him. And he's sure that Gabriel doesn't either, and he feels a tinge of sadness as he heard Michael's loud voice scold Gabriel.

"I had to cancel an important meeting with a client last night. If you could have heard Castiel on the phone, then you'd know how panicked I was when I had to end the meeting abruptly! And lo and behold, when I got home, both of you were missing! I spent an hour driving around the city and found him passed out in alley smelling like he took a swim in a pool of alcohol!" 

Gabriel's voice was too low for Castiel to hear from upstairs.

He looked up at the wall clock and it registered 2:34 am. It's really late, and Castiel can't believe that Michael messed up his sleeping schedule to wait for Gabriel to get home. 

Guilt crept up on him. He had no idea what Michael went through to find him and get him home. Gabriel must have been insanely worried to not find him anywhere in the fraternity house. Knowing Lucifer, he might punch Alistair square in the face and end up physically disabling him. He should have called Gabriel first. He should have told him that he went home. Gabriel is getting scolded because he wasn't able to call him for help. 

He ran downstairs and saw Gabriel with his head down sitting on the edge of the couch. Michael was standing up from beyond the coffee table with a glare that made him want to run back upstairs.

"Michael..." His voice was barely above a whisper, but his brother looked up startled.

"Castiel? Why are you up? Go back upstairs." It was an order, and he was half wanting to run up immediately and half wanting save Gabriel from further reprimand.

"It... I-It wasn't Ga...Gabriel's f-f-fault..." His voice was failing him again. He was too scared to look up at Michael, so he kept his head down.

Michael snapped his head to Gabriel, who jerked at the glare. "We will continue this talk in the morning. Go upstairs. Both of you."

Castiel was thankful that Gabriel didn't do anything further to make Michael angry by sassing him, telling him that it was already morning or any other quick retaliation. Gabriel took no time running up to him and dragging him by the arm up the stairs.

"Thanks, Cassie. But... please don't try to back me up. I know it was my fault. It's fine." Gabriel patted his back lightly.

"No... I-I should... I should have called you..." Castiel kept his voice from cracking.

"You were having a breakdown. I should have been there." He tried to chuckle to lighten the mood, but it came out as a shaky breath. "Go back to bed, Cassie. I'm proud of you for your little act of rebellion earlier. The Cassie I know would have ran up without looking back when Michael said so."

Both younger brothers had gone to their respective rooms. Castiel knew he couldn't go back to sleep. His insomnia would pick up whenever his head was too full of things to think about: which was ninety percent of the time. 

He woke up to green eyes staring at him earlier. It was a faint memory that faded as the sleep was rubbed from his eyes. He slid down to sit with his back against the door. His knees folded up to his chest, and he sank his face down.

His breath was forced into calm intervals to keep him from having another anxiety attack. He wished that what happened earlier was only a dream. He should have gone home when Gabriel left. Was Charlie okay? Did Alistair hurt her? Would she even talk to him in school tomorrow? Why did De--

His thoughts were cut short. Not even in his head did he want to entertain the name. It was an understanding between himself and even with his brothers that the name never be mentioned. They understood what had happened years back, and they never judged him for his choices. If there was one blessing that their father gave them, it was their closeness as brothers, the way they always protect one another despite the numerous amounts of bickers and brawls they share.

It was an unconditional love that Castiel wrapped around in, something he wished other people gave him. Or at least one person would've had.

He shook his head again and went still. He wasn't going to sleep, but he didn't want to stand up from his position. It's these times of the night that he would sit unmoving, staring into space, and only the sound of Gabriel's knocking on the door would snap him back to reality hours later. And so he did.

But what broke him from his trance wasn't the usual knock on the door. Instead, he was catapulted forward in one huge swing of the door. He scrambled on the floor in a daze, looking up to see the streams of light escaping from the window curtains, making him squint in confusion.

"Oh shit. Sorry, Cassie! Didn't know you were there." Gabriel's hand found his arms and pulled him up to sit. For an older brother who was shorter than Castiel, Gabriel was notably stronger in many ways that Castiel isn't. "Hey... You okay?"

Castiel looked up at his brother. It was a rare sight to see the trickster with an expression of guilt and concern, and it made a warmth crawl up Castiel's cold face. Gabriel's face went from concern to stunned shock, then quickly turned to amusement. "That's a first. Smiling in the morning suits you, little bro." He messed up Castiel's hair and helped him stand up.

"We gotta hurry. Michael might smite me if we're late for his scheduled breakfast-together-with-the-family." He chuckled and started running down the hall toward the stairs. Castiel tried his best to catch up, balancing his steps with his fast pace.

The smell of waffles and chocolate widened Castiel smile and quickened Gabriel's sprint. It's been going on for weeks already, but seeing Lucifer in an apron while preparing waffle mix will always be a surprising sight. Michael was sitting on the head of the table, papers and folders laid out neatly in front of him while he was writing something down on a notepad.

Gabriel slowly slipped into his seat away from Michael and pulled Castiel to sit between them. Lucifer placed a large plate of waffles on the center of the table, also laying out different kinds of syrup. Michael looked up to see his two youngest brothers looking tensely at him, so he cleaned up the table and kept his work away. No one said a word until Lucifer returned to the table bringing three mugs filled with hot chocolate and one with black coffee. He gave the latter to Michael and slid the other mugs over toward the two.

"How are you feeling, Castiel?" Michael asked, finally breaking the tension.

Lucifer nonchalantly took his pieces of waffles and poured an ample amount of maple syrup on them. Gabriel tried his best to act formal by taking his waffles properly with a fork and only pouring a reasonable amount of chocolate syrup on his plate.

"I'm okay, Michael." His voice was very small, but it was loud enough for his brothers to hear. "I'm s-sorry... for making you worried..."

Michael's shoulders finally relaxed as he nodded and proceeded to take pieces of waffles. Castiel was thankful that he was no longer angry. He could always feel it if Michael was angered. Now, it was only a large amount of worry and exhaustion. Castiel took one waffle and poured honey over it. 

He remembers that girl from last night. The distinct taste of the lemonade with honey was still in his mouth. Worry spikes up in him, wondering if the girl was okay. He would never forgive himself if she got hurt last night because of him. His thoughts were broken by Michael's voice.

"Lucifer and I had an agreement last night. I signed the papers to get him his brand new car with some conditions. Starting today, he will be personally taking both of you to school and fetching you home." His tone left no room for arguments. "Am I understood, Gabriel?"

"Yes, Michael." Gabriel strained at trying his best not to sound sarcastic. 

"Castiel."

He jumped when his name was suddenly said. "Y-yes, Michael..."

"I want to know what happened last night." Michael sounded dead serious. Castiel's breath caught on his throat and he felt a swell of panic building. "I don't need the details. Tell me who did that to you."

"It was that Alistair kid. I couldn't quite remember his full name." Gabriel answered for him. "I heard from a few people that he's the one who started pushing Castiel around the room."

"Castiel?" Michael turned back to him, but his eyes were still glued on the single piece of waffle on his plate, still untouched. All he could do was nod. He does not feel any pity for Alistair if Michael or Lucifer were to smite him, so he does not have to think twice about telling the truth.

"And it was Dean Winchester who poured beer all over him." Gabriel continued.

Castiel's eyes widened in horror and panic. All this time he kept that name away from his thoughts, but now that Gabriel had said it with a terrifying amount of anger ground against it, he feels his insides burn. His fingers curled under the hem of his shirt to stop it from trembling, but his body had already begun to shake in small shudders.

Michael had already gone from his seat to kneel beside him, whispering calming words as he rubbed wide circles on his slouched back. Gabriel was shot a glare but was also trying to calm him down. 

"Gabriel, take Castiel upstairs and both of you prepare for school." Michael said before one last light pat on his little brother, who's panic has slowly gone down.

Castiel allowed Gabriel to pull him up the staircase as he evened out his breaths. Lucifer sighed heavily from his seat on the table, his pieces of waffles barely finished. He turned to Michael, who looked more frustrated than usual.

"I'll take these up to those two." Lucifer announced while clutching on to the mugs of hot chocolate before disappearing up into the staircase as well.

Michael grabbed his cellphone from the counter and dialled with a furious amount of rage. After two rings from the other side of the call, someone picked up.

"Novak?" A gruff voice of an older man answered with slight surprise. 

"Listen here, Singer. My brother had a panic attack last night in an alley because your step son decided to dump beer on him for kicks and laughs." Michael's voice was beyond furious now, and almost every syllable was rubbed in rage. "I've dealt with and jailed plenty of delinquents like him in the past, and trust me when I say this, Singer: I'm not afraid to press charges if this ever happens again." He slammed the end button with a force that almost broke the phone in half.

\---

"Balls!" Bobby cursed loudly enough to catch the attention of both women on the table.

"Bobby? Who was that?" Ellen slowly stood up with concern.

"Jo, call those two idjits down here right now or so help me...!!!" He cursed the remaining words under his breath. Jo jumped from her seat and ran upstairs in a hurry.

"Bobby." Ellen gave him a look that was reserved whenever Bobby was too hard on the kids. "Who called you?"

"Michael Novak." He huffed it like a plague. "I knew that idjit was hiding something last night."

Upstairs, Jo slammed into Dean's room first and tackled his sleeping form on the bed. Dean woke up in a very alarmed state that he almost fell off the bed, shielding away from his attacker.

"You are in big trouble, Winchester." Jo said to him with dread sketched in her face.

"What the hell, Jo?" Dean pushed her away from pinning him against the bed.

"That's exactly what I want to know. What the hell did you do?" She slipped off the bed and pulled the sheets away from Dean. "Bobby is furious downstairs, and since I doubt Sam did anything wrong, then I'm very sure your name is set in a gravestone." 

In a few minutes, Jo managed to drag Dean downstairs with Sam trailing behind. They were greeted by Ellen staring down at Dean with a look he knew all too well. He gulped, the sound audible against the tension in the air, but he still managed to flash his most innocent grin.

"Good morning, Ellen." He slipped into his seat and was surprised to see that he didn't have food on his plate. Sam was vaguely aware that his brother had done something wrong but shrugged it off and also took his seat. Bobby was sharing an equal deathly glare toward Dean from over the counter.

"Did you or did you not pour beer over Castiel Novak last night at that frat party?" Ellen's voice grated at the silence, and the tone she used was what they all recognized as one that won't tolerate crap. Sam slightly choked on his scrambled eggs, and he looked up at Dean with a face of disbelief. Jo gave Dean a scandalized look as well.

Dean didn't meet their eyes and kept his head directed toward the empty plate. "It was an accident."

"Dean." Ellen warned.

"Look. I didn't even know he was in that party! There was a cup of beer handed over to me when I was getting pushed around the crowd. Those chicks were crazy, okay? Things led to another, and I got shoved all over the place." Dean crossed his arms and sighed heavily. "I lost balance, and I ended up tipping the cup forward. Cas was there, and I just-- It was an accident, Ellen."

"Michael called for your head." Bobby spat. "And hell I'd give it to him with gift wrapping if you're lying to me right now, boy."

"All three of you go back upstairs and get ready for school. You're all going to be late." Ellen shook her head.

"But--" Dean motioned toward his clean plate.

"That's your punishment for giving that poor boy a heart attack and for lying to me about not going to that frat party."

Sam and Jo finished up their food and ran upstairs with Dean in toll. He wore an expression that no one quite understood, but Sam knew that Dean was having another self-hate session in his head. 

Dean took care of Sam ever since they were kids after their mother died in a fire and their father overdosed in alcohol out of grief. Bobby and Ellen took them in with open arms, but Dean continued to be very overprotective of Sam. He always had a laid back persona and was easily injected into the popular crowd in school. His antics of getting into fights and trouble was never really something Dean wanted. Sam knew that. Dean was the type who turned to violence whenever he feels angry or depressed. He tries to be everything Sam looks up to him on and fails, but his little brother knows who Dean really is.

Sam always looked up to Dean, but not on his popularity and easygoingness in a crowd. He looked up to Dean's dedication and soft heartedness, although that would be something Dean would deny until the end of time. Dean wasn't a brute who relied on his varsity scholarship and credit. He was a frustrated teenager with self-hate issues. Sam and everyone in their family loved Dean despite his inhibitions and difficulty. But it's Dean who just wouldn't let go of the past.

"I know that look, Sammy. Just drop it." Dean looked over his shoulder on their way back down the stairs.

"Dean..."

"Just drop it. Please." His tone was firm but broken with a sigh. Dean didn't even stop by Ellen or Bobby to say goodbye before leaving out the door with his car keys and backpack. He was angry again. He wasn't angry at Bobby or Ellen. He was just angry. 

Angry at the blue eyes that keep staring back at him in fear. Looking at him with a piercing horror that he never intended. It wasn't supposed be like that. How could eyes that once looked at him with a fondness and happiness stare back at him like he was a monster?

Maybe he is a monster. Pushing people away was what he was best at doing, right? A monster that made people feel an ecstasy of joy so he can crush it down in one turn of a heel, that was him. He was the one who always had to get away. Maybe he deserved to see the horror in those deep blue eyes. He needed them to remind him to never go soft again. Maybe he deserved to see the calming warmth of them get replaced by fear. They taunted him to a stilled hatred.

"Dean!" 

His thoughts snapped back to reality. Pain seeped up from his right knuckle, blood slowly trailing down his fingers. He went numb as he stared at the area where his knuckle collided heavily against the now split up bark of a tree. His car keys lay forgotten over the grass.

\---

Castiel jumped at the sudden dropping of a food tray across from him. He braced himself protectively, looking up. Charlie eased down on the seat across from him with a smile on her face, her red hair neatly braided to one side.

"So..." She started, "Are you okay now?" She tried her best to keep her voice from sounding pitiful or sorry. Castiel nodded, tension easing away from him. "I'm sorry for not being able to help you back there... I tried, but there's only so much I could do against sexist idiots."

"Thank you." Castiel muttered from under his breathe.

"For what?" She was more surprised to here him talk. 

"Talking to me..." He offered the closest thing to a smile. Charlie, on the other hand, was now grinning widely.

"Dude. I can barely hear you, but your voice is ridiculously deep." She chuckled. "Never knew you had that in you." Charlie must have noticed Castiel's eyes cast down away from her or from what was behind her. She turned slowly to see Alistair walk into the cafeteria with the rest of the varsity team behind him. She exchanged glances between them and with Castiel, checking up on him.

He inhaled sharply, and Charlie noticed the little intervals of trembling on his shoulders just as she eyed Dean Winchester come in. Castiel went still and his eyes were unmoving from beyond Charlie. She turned around to see Dean stand motionless by the door, also locking his gaze intently at Castiel. Both stared at each other without anyone daring to break away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been asked whether there'd be eventual smut in this fic...
> 
> ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° )


	3. "Cas. I'm sorry."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the short chapters! I'll make the next update longer than I'm used to.

"Mind to tell me what that was all about?" Charlie stood in front of Castiel, walking backwards down the hall. The number of students had slowly faded into their classrooms, but the red head has made it a mission to figure out what she had noticed earlier.

Castiel attempted to shake his head in denial, but it was hopeless to trick the illusion he thought he witnessed earlier.

"Are you two friends?" She stopped, looking around the emptied hallway. Castiel stared at her with widened eyes. "So that's a no? Hmmm..." She turned around and started walking again, contemplating on her next words.

"He looked guilty, by the way. You know... last night after you left the house." Her arms were folded over head as she walked onward, not noticing Castiel stop behind her.

The tremors that had calmed in his chest had returned again. It were the same ones that began when he locked eyes with Dean Winchester earlier at the cafeteria. He felt like he could never look away, but Dean had ended their gaze first and exited through the door. He's never seen him with that look on his face. It was foreign to him, and he wasn't sure if he was still staring at the boy he once knew.

"Hey?" Charlie looked back and ran up back to him, snapping her fingers before his face. "Are you okay?"

"I'm sorry..." He whispered.

"Castiel, it's fine. If I haven't reached the needed level of friendship to know more about you, then it's totally cool. I'll level up eventually." She chuckled and patted his arm. "Let's go. We can't be late for class."

The day went by as painfully slow as any other bored student experiences. For Castiel, it wasn't a problem. Although his thoughts were nestled elsewhere, the teachers never called his attention for a recitation unless if he were to personally raise his hand to volunteer, which has become the standard operating procedure observed by teachers. Perhaps, they have grown weary of Michael's last visit to the administration when he was forced to memorize lines and speak on stage. Some people just don't understand that every student has their weaknesses and the "equality" system only puts each weakness in vain.

You can't teach a mute to belt out a ballad. You can't tell a cripple to tap dance. You can't just shove approval upon an extroverted person against an introverted one. Just because everyone is supposed to be observing equality, it doesn't offer everyone justice. And if it weren't for Michael, Castiel would be at the hands of a teacher who has no regard for their student's comfort.

It has made a lot of student's lives in this institution a lot easier. Albeit no one knowing of Michael's work on this, it gives a warmth of pride for Castiel to know of his brother's good.

He was not in the mood to pay attention to English class and take notes. His mind kept drifting to and fro on a lot of things. And as much as he would love to deny it, he couldn't help but think about the boy with constellations of freckles he once memorized.

Charlie would pop up outside the class he would be in if they weren't classmates. It turned out that Charlie was in a lot of his classes, but his lack of interest toward his classmates made him blind to her presence. She read it all in Castiel's eyes and simply waved it off, saying that she should have made friends with him sooner.

It wasn't a first for Castiel to be called a great friend, paralleled to his undying listening skills, but it feels just as warming as it was. Charlie loved to talk. By a day, Castiel has learned plenty of things about her comic books and games even if he doesn't understand most of her references. Charlie was delighted when she successfully made Castiel chuckle a little. She even started yelling something about an achievement unlocked. Castiel has to look up all of her references.

She leaned against the side of his locker as he kept his textbooks neatly. "Gilda's looking fine today." She mused, following the trail of the brunette who passed them. "What do you think, Castiel?"

He looked up to see the one named Gilda, he noted, walk away further from them. His only answer was an uninterested shrug. Charlie smiled slyly, "Then what about that piece of ass?" She said almost jokingly as she drew her eyes across the other side of the hall.

Castiel struggled to keep himself from choking when he looked up to who Charlie meant. Dean stood there, shoving his books gracelessly into his locker before slinging his backpack on one shoulder with ease.

"You like him, don't you?" Her smile was like a feline's smug face of victory. Castiel stared at her wearily, almost begging with his eyes.

"Hey, hey! Chill. I may not be into guys, but even I admit that Dean is quite hot." She elbowed him on the side. "I dunno about you, but I think he likes you too."

She didn't expect Castiel to suddenly go pale and cast down his eyes, brows knitted tightly. He shook his head slowly. "No."

"What do you mean NO?" She stared at him in disbelief. "I have eyes, Castiel." He shook his head some more and pleaded with his eyes to drop the subject.

"Hey Bradbury!" Someone called from the end of the hall. "Let's go! We can't be late!"

"Uh, oh. Sorry, dude. I gotta head out. You take care, okay?" Castiel nodded his head, and that was all Charlie needed before she ran off. He continued to finish emptying his backpack, taking his time knowing Lucifer will still be another twenty minutes before he comes to pick Castiel and Gabriel up. The prickling sensation at the back of his neck returned when he sensed figures approaching him in numbers.

He turned his head slightly to see Gordon, Alistair's best friends find his way toward him. At this, Castiel turned to the other side of the hall and began to walk in a fast pace. He wasn't running, but he was doing a horrible job in looking inconspicuous. He saw it as a miracle when he reached the door of the school, but this relief was cut short by a hand clasping his shoulder tightly.

"Castiel. What's the hurry?" Gordon pulled him roughly back into the hall. The few number of students left in the hall made no move to even look their way. Castiel kept his head tilted down as he gripped the straps of his backpack securely, as if he was ready to pull it off and slam it into Gordon's face. He didn't fear him like he did Alistair. The latter was ruthless and merciless, while the former was barely a follower.

"You think we don't know what you did, huh?" Castiel was shoved back into a corner between separate lockers. "Alistair just got suspended for a week. After we were so kind to include you in our games last night, you decided to get him suspended? Well, don't worry. He told me to give you a message."

He paused, and Castiel slowly looked up at him and the three others looming behind him. Gordon was only a junior, but he acted like he was one of the most essential members of their team. Castiel knew that the only reason he's not kicked out of the team is because of the funds he gives out and not because of his non-existent athletic skills. He doesn't watch many of their football matches, but he knows a bad throw when he sees it.

"When he comes back next week, he'll offer you a surprise." He said with a smile that somehow failed to instill fear in Castiel, which was why he refused to look even the least bit affected. But his words still made him go still against the corner. "For now, we'll be keeping our eyes on you... Here."

The one who stood directly behind Gordon side-stepped and revealed a heavy-looking stack of books. Without warning, he dropped them in front of Castiel. The books scattered in a mess on the floor. "We were told by the librarian to return all of these to the proper places in the library after we had a little... misunderstanding a few days ago. You go ahead and take care of it."

Castiel couldn't believe this. He stared at the stack of books on the ground before returning the closest thing to a scowl on his face. Gordon simply smiled. "If you try to do anything funny, we'll add a little more funny on our surprise next week as well. Keep note, Novak. We aren't afraid of your trickster of a brother. We can handle him just as easily."

He was so close to making a mocking noise but kept it at bay. No one has ever gotten in the way of Gabriel before. No one would dare, and Castiel knew this. With one last shove with his shoulder hitting against the side of the lockers, Gordon and the rest of his companions left. He stared at the books that lay on the floor. For a long moment, he thought over the effects if he were to just leave them on the floor and leave. He figured that it wouldn't really hurt him to do this as much as he dislikes it. It was definitely more preferable than getting dumped into the fountain again.

Castiel crouched down to the ground and slowly stacked the books neatly over one another. He underestimated the number of them when he saw that the stack has already reached almost over two feet tall. With his first attempt in pulling the books up, the upper books slid to the ground. His next attempts were no different. He wasn't strong enough to hold up all of these without making a klutz of himself.

The library was a long walk from here, and he couldn't leave books here to return to because they might get stolen. With his final attempt to heave them all up against his torso, his arms began to shake and resulted to all the books falling back onto the floor. He slid down in defeat, fixing his glasses that almost made a suicide jump on his attempts to catch the falling books.

He didn't want to have another anxiety attack here, especially here in school, but somehow his shoulders had begun to shake. Perhaps it was shame on his situation that he felt. Maybe it was his weak muscles that had little to no coordination. It could be his cycle of fears that pass his mind whenever in a state such as this. He wasn't sure, but he knew that he couldn't stop the shaking on his body, which was the signal for possible tears to begin showing.

He really wasn't. But when a hand lightly touched his shoulder, his body reacted in a way that the shaking slowly began to fade. His head was still looking down at the floor, and he saw hands reaching over the books and stacking them back. He looked up quickly with wide eyes, framed in small amounts of tears that had not yet escaped.

A single tear streamed down his face as he stared at his helper, who was systematically stacking the books into two sets with one taller than the other. He was in a daze, unbelieving of his sight. The hand on his shoulder that was a mere ghostly touch retreated back to hold onto the taller stack of books.

There were no words needed as Dean stood up with the heavier stack of books in his arms, signalling Castiel to hold on to the very few books left for him to carry. Everything was consumed in a tense but relaxing silence as both boys began to walk to the direction of the library. 

Castiel's voice was non-existent at this point, but he didn't know what he was supposed to say either. Dean looked anywhere but on him as he lead the walk a foot ahead. He hasn't been this close to Dean in a long time, but the comfort of being near him was still surprisingly there. Dean was wearing his letterman jacket, which Castiel always thought suited him well. At least on Castiel's thoughts, Dean suited it while he would look ridiculous in one.

His daze reached the library, and he had only realized that when they had arrived. Dean was holding the door for him while balancing the stack he held on one arm against his torso, continuing to look away. Castiel stepped inside, also trying his best to look away from Dean.

As time passed with both of them returning the books to their proper sections, the awkwardness began to swell in Castiel. He doesn't know what to do at this point. Should he thank Dean for his help? Would his voice even cooperate with him? What should he do? Would a simple thank you be sufficient? 

When the last book was neatly inserted, Castiel turned to see Dean walk toward the door. He slowly climbed down of the stepladder carefully. He hurried his pace at the fear of Dean leaving without being able to thank him. But when he turned toward the doors of the library, Dean stood there while holding the doors open.

Dean was waiting for him. He knew that it wasn't something much, but it managed to stutter a beat in his chest. His steps were slow and hesitant as he drew closer. Dean continued to look away, but Castiel courageously gazed at his eyes directly. He slowly exited the door, rubbing his right hand over his left elbow in an awkward manner. He stopped facing away from Dean when the doors were closed again. 

He thought Dean was going to go ahead and walk away, but he too did not move. Castiel wanted to thank him, but his mouth wouldn't move. Nothing would. Even his hand still clutching his arm went still. There was no movement from Dean either, and the tension lasted longer than he expected.

As bravely as he could, he turned around in one fluid movement to face Dean. He didn't expect Dean to stare back at him with that expression Castiel is still not aware of. They held each other's gaze as intensely as they had hours ago during their lunch break. Castiel wasn't aware of how he probably looked because he was consumed in a menace of green colors that were as bright as he remembered up close.

"Cas." It was the first word spoken since their long presence together. Castiel wanted to say something but couldn't. Dean broke their gaze again and looked down at the floor, his brows were now furrowed in a worried look. "Cas. I'm sorry."

And that was all he said with the faintest of sounds before he stepped away, walking back to where they first passed on their way here. He didn't look back and only quickened his pace further. Castiel stood there, staring at the spot where Dean stood. His mind spiralled over what Dean said. Dean said he was sorry. 

Dean Winchester who never apologized for anything had said sorry to him. Was this real? What was happening? He couldn't even answer himself when he began to run toward Dean's form slowly escaping from the hall. His strides were not very fast, but his legs wouldn't stop as he continued to run toward him. Dean's back was getting closer for him to reach. Would he even reach for him? What if Dean would get angry... again?

He stopped on his tracks at the thought. His face fell as he couldn't understand what was happening again. "Dean!" His voice surprised him. It was the loudest he had ever said in years. It wasn't a whimper or a soft call. He yelled with all the might his voice managed.

Dean stopped on his tracks in surprise, but he didn't look back.

"Dean..." Castiel repeated softly. "I... Thank you."

He never wanted to admit it. Never. And yet after all these years without Dean in his life, he was foolish to think that anything changed.

He was still madly in love with Dean Winchester.

It wasn't what he saw as an irrational and childish admiration of his past. It wasn't a premature tinge of warmth that he pushed away as ludicrous. It was all still there: the tremors in his chest whenever Dean would do even the smallest of things, the smile that would crawl it's way onto his face even at the most serious of times, the comfort that drove away all his fears that make him shake in panic, and the fervor that always manages to fill the dulled ache which has consumed him in the dark.

Even if he was alone on his feelings as he had all these years, he didn't care. It had always been Dean. Only Dean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My college classes will be starting in two weeks, and I'll be busy with the terrors of our enrollment period next week. I've decided on having updates only twice a week. Preferably on Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't have classes. 
> 
> Probably. I hope so. At this point I'm not really sure, and I'm terrified of starting another dreadful school year of the nightmare that is college.
> 
> Chuck, save my soul.


	4. "...we're not here to kidnap you..."

"You seem to be in a very good mood today." Charlie grinned while eating a mouthful of turkey sandwich. Castiel turned to her, a small smile in his face, and shrugged. "See, that's not something you'd normally do. You rarely smile because of your resting poker face, you don't shrug that casually, and you especially don't hum a little tune while you eat."

Castiel hadn't even realized his sudden shift in mood, but he has realized his lighter mood and missing signs of a daily panic attack. He was definitely blooming with a happy vibe, no matter how inconspicuous it was. Charlie was definitely on to something from her close inspection and quick eyes. He doesn't know how he's supposed to tell her. He may try to talk, but it's too long for him to properly say without his voice halting suddenly.

"Did something happen at home?" She asked. Castiel shook his head. "Yesterday, then? At school?"

His eyes darted shyly to the table, and his smile slightly widened as he nodded. "What? You mean I missed something after I went off? Oh, man..." She crossed her arms and huffed a pout. "Wait..."

 

She turned to him with wide eyes of anticipation. "It's Dean isn't?"

   
Castiel didn't even try to hide it now. His smile has somehow comfortably stuck on him, no matter how small it may be. "You need to tell me! Write it down! Charades! Semaphore! Morse code!" Charlie's excitement was overflowing. Castiel reached for his bag and hurriedly took out his small cellphone. Charlie kept huffing about how he was killing her with the excitement. She was, however, surprised when he handed it over to her after only a few seconds.

   
She stared at the screen with a blank face for a few seconds, processing whatever she has just read.

   
"Gordon bullied you?" She asked in disbelief. "And why the hell does that make you happy?" Castiel gingerly took the phone again and typed down again before giving it back. "Dean helped you out when they left?" Her smile was ear to ear now. "I knew it! I knew you were in to him! I knew he was in to you! Oh my goodness! This is my new OTP! And I shall ship this 'til the end of my days!"

   
Charlie turned to Castiel, who already had a very confused face on. "I didn't even know Dean was bi! He seems to only screw around with chicks all the time. Now  _this_  is my kind of development!"

  
Castiel placed his hand on her shoulder to catch her attention before shaking his head. He typed again on his phone and handed over the words:  _No, Dean is straight. I'm sure._  


  _  
_"But you just... Whaaa...?" Castiel typed on his phone again: _He was a friend before, and he made his sexuality very clear. We are barely acquaintances now._  


  _  
_"You were... friends before? How many years are we talking about here?" _We used to be best friends when we were in pre-school. We were roughly five years old._  "What do you mean by  _used to be_? Did you guys grow apart or something?" Charlie noticed his eyes drop slowly, and she refrained from asking more. "Sorry. I didn't mean to pry. Maybe that'll be a story to tell some other time." She offered a warm smile that Castiel exchanged.

  
From the silent chatters, loud cheers began to erupt from beyond the cafeteria doors. Curious students began leaving their seats to stand and look at the commotion. Charlie and Castiel were just as curious when the cheering started booming louder. They grabbed their bags and followed the growing crowd exiting the area. As they left the swinging doors, the noise up ahead grew louder.

  
Castiel was not one to find interest in things like this, but he felt a pang of worry hit him. It was the same feeling he gets since he was a child whenever something horrible will happen. Charlie already squeezed through the crowd, leaving Castiel safely by the corner lockers. The noise was almost unbearable for him, but he waited patiently for Charlie to return.

  
There were so many voices speaking that he cannot distinguish many of their cheers, but his eyes widened when he heard  _his_  name. "My bet is on Winchester!" Cheers followed. "Get up, Walker!" Castiel's eyes widened. Dean was getting into fights again. He thought Dean had stopped doing this months ago. And of all people...

  
Charlie cut his thoughts short when she appeared in front of him with a face of worry. "Dean and Gordon are having a fist fight! It looks really bad!"

  
Whistles sounded at the other end of the hall, signalling the arrival of security. The crowd dissipated quickly back into the cafeteria, almost knocking Castiel out of the way if it wasn't for Charlie's pushing. His eyes were stuck beyond the crowd moving his way, finding it's goal. With a small glimpse, he saw Dean's familiar figure slumped on his knees on the ground beside an already unconscious body.

  
Slowly fighting through the crowd, Castiel moved forward against the other students. A closer look revealed Dean's bleeding lip and upper right brow, and Gordon was lying face down on the ground. He was so close when suddenly, Dean fell unconscious as well and lay on the marble floor.

  
Everything was a blur. Castiel wasn't sure what he should do. Noises kept passing through his ears, but he couldn't comprehend these sounds. His head was filling with a rage mixed with a large amount of concern pushing past his control. He wasn't sure what was going on, and he didn't care about whatever the guards said. Charlie was helping him heave Dean up a stretcher that had arrived. He was having an anxiety attack, the type that never happens very often.

  
It has been years since he had this kind of anxiety attack: a burning rage of worry. The last time was when Gabriel got caught in a brawl with city gangs. His brother wasn't careful enough, and Michael wouldn't sleep when they had to look after his unconscious form in a hospital bed. Castiel refused to listen to anything. He kept Gabriel company, pushing away his food, and focusing so much worry whether his brother would wake up. He was thirteen at the time, and Gabriel was fourteen. His brother wasn't the trickster he currently is now. He wasn't sure why, but he knew that incident led to Gabriel's reign of trickery.

  
He was pushing the stretcher along the emptied hallways with the nurses who were controlling the blood escaping Dean's forehead. Charlie's pats over his shoulder were ignored completely as his thoughts kept spiralling into different unnecessary scenarios in his head. Dean is hurt and unconscious, and that was all it took to bring back bad memories into light.

  
They had pushed though into the clinic, and he refused to hear the pleas of the nurses for him to leave. Charlie was the one who spoke calmly with the nurses, as she knew what Castiel must be going through. They didn't even notice Castiel mindlessly taking a bowl of water and a towel onto the side of the bed. He was cleaning up the wounds as tenderly as he could, gestures he had done so many times in the past that his body cooperated without thought.

  
By this time, his mind was blank except for the constant pain springing up of knowing that Dean is hurt. When Charlie and the nurses had finally noticed, they looked at Castiel with faces of understanding. Most of the medical staff knew who he was. Michael had made it very clear on his instructions whenever Castiel would be struck with a panic attack in school. The only reason why the school's clinic was top class was because of Michael's  _anonymous_  donations.

  
Castiel had found bandages and a disinfectant kit nearby, purposely placed by a nurse, and he began to continue his mindless movement. The space under Dean's right eye had began to darken and swell. He stood up to ask for some ice and more towels, and the nurses complied immediately. His fingers dragged along Dean's hair carefully, before he lightly pressed the towel-wrapped ice cubes on his face. Dean's freckles were always clearer to him this close. Castiel was shaking, but he didn't stop. He never left Dean's side. Charlie had told him that she needed to return to class, and his only reply was a faint nod.

  
He didn't understand why he was doing this now. Dean had gotten into different fights ever since they entered the same high school; He'd had worse wounds than this. Castiel faintly remembers a broken arm folded under a cast a year or two ago. Why was he doing this all of a sudden?

  
For years, he has stayed out of Dean's way. Dean never even looked at him, and it had hurt badly, because he was always catching glimpses although denying it all these years. But he had always refused to look directly at Dean's eyes. Castiel could never look at him longer than a minute, because his chest would begin to constrict, resulting to a panic attack. It was ironic, really. For once upon a time, Dean was the one who calmed his fears and panics.

  
Time passed slowly, but Castiel's mind was too preoccupied to notice. He was watching over Dean as he slept peacefully. Slight movement on Dean's hand snapped Castiel's senses when he found his fingers tangled perfectly between Dean's. He didn't remember reaching out enough to touch Dean's hand. Did Dean...? No. Castiel shook his head.

  
Soft grunts came out of Dean's waking form. Just from looking at him, Castiel knew he was sore from the wounds. Quickly, Castiel removed his hand from Dean's hold. At this, Dean opened his eyes with a look of panic. His eyes searched the area and on where he lay. When he finally turned his head and locked gazes with Castiel, they both paused.

  
"Hello Dean." Castiel was first to break the gaze this time, shocking himself with speaking this clearly without stuttering.

  
"Cas." Dan's shoulder's relaxed and he slowly dipped comfortably into the bed again. "Why are you... here?"

  
"I don't know." The words came out easily again. Castiel looked down, fumbling with his fingers that grew cold at the loss of Dean's warm hand. Dean looked at him, somehow taken aback and somehow amazed.

  
A nurse passed the small secluded area and saw Dean was already awake. "Mr. Winchester? How are you feeling?" Dean sat up slowly, forcing to hide the wince that came with it. He didn't expect Castiel's hand to suddenly grip him tightly on his upper arm, aiding him in moving.

  
"Nothing seems broken. Am I allowed to leave now?" Dean looked anywhere but on Cas, who was still gripping him securely.

  
"I shall bring you a permit for discharge. You are expected to go the principal's office immediately." She nodded and left their sights.

  
Cas' hold was really tight, almost a death grip, and Dean had began to notice that Cas' was trembling. "Hey, Cas. Hold on a little longer, and it'll leave a mark." He attempted to laugh. Cas immediately let go and backed up into his small chair. It shocked Dean, and he almost reached out to Cas, but the expression on Cas' face was something he didn't understand. Was he scared?

  
"Cas, are you o-"

  
"I-I... I'm s-s-s...sorry." Cas blurted out while standing from his seat. He looked unsure, but he nodded once before turning around to leave. Dean was too stunned to react. He could only stare at Castiel, who was disappearing out of sight. There was a conversation up ahead, but he couldn't hear it from his position.

  
"Mr. Winchester, here's your permit." The nurse handed over a small piece of paper. He pushed his legs to the side of the bed, stretching his limbs and shoulders. When he was finally sure that his body was completely awake, he stood up and quickly made his way out the clinic.

  
"You're so lucky to have a caring friend like Mr. Novak." One of the nurses remarked when he was almost out the door. He stopped and stared at her. "He personally tended all your wounds and did a pretty excellent job of fixing you up together. He also skipped classes and stayed by your side for hours. We were a bit worried, but he seemed okay when he left ahead."

  
-

  
Castiel walked across the hall briskly, leaving a trail of emotion around him. He knew Dean would react that way. Of course he would wonder why he was there when he woke up. He even broke Dean's personal space by grabbing his arm like that. It's not something a normal person would do. It's not something he would do. At least not anymore for a very long time. He isn't even Dean's friend when he thinks about it. Sure, Dean helped him out yesterday, but it was probably because of how pathetic he must have looked. Dean just felt like doing a good deed like any other normal person. Why would Castiel think any different?

  
They're not friends. Barely acquaintances. They're just two students with a past that is better left forgotten. Castiel squeezed his hands tightly on the straps of his backpack. They're technically strangers now. Then why? Why does it hurt? Why does it  _always_  hurt? Why is he the only one feeling so hurt all the time? It's so unfair. Two days ago he wouldn't even dare say his name or think about it. But now it's been the only thing circling his thoughts. He sniffled and let the tears go down. Even if he tried to control it, he couldn't. Why is he such a mess? He's always a klutz. He's weak physically and mentally. He couldn't even wait to get home before breaking down crying.

  
"Cassie!" Hands pulled him tightly into a tight hug. "Where have you been? Lucifer has been waiting for us over half an hour ago! What happened? Who hurt you?" Gabriel struggled to calm his slightly taller younger brother. He grabbed Castiel's backpack and slung it beside his own. Castiel leaned against his brother, fighting against the trembling that shook him. He was vaguely aware when he was successfully pulled outside by Gabriel.

  
Lucifer didn't need telling once he saw his two younger brothers. He climbed out of the car and helped Gabriel and Castiel into the back seats. Castiel curled against his side and pulled his backpack toward him, hugging it tightly. Lucifer didn't ask. Gabriel wouldn't even know what to answer.

  
The ride home was nothing they've never dealt with before, except now, Michael wasn't there to bust a nerve on whatever happened in that school. And by the time Lucifer backed into their driveway, Castiel had calmed down a little. When the car stopped, he didn't move. Gabriel didn't either. Lucifer got out and unlocked the door, signalling Gabriel. "Cassie. Let's go."

  
The youngest one nodded slowly and started to get out of the car while continuing to clutch tightly on his backpack. Lucky for them, Michael wasn't home to go ballistic on them. Gabriel cautiously trailed behind Castiel to watch over him.

  
Lucifer gently pushed Castiel to sit on the couch while handing him a cup of water. Gabriel plopped down beside him with a sigh of relief. "Well whatever happened today sure broke your good mood early this morning."

  
"I'm sorry, Lucifer...Gabriel..." Castiel mumbled against his backpack. "I... didn't.." Lucifer placed a hand over his head and patted it lightly. "Gabriel, I'm heading out. Don't do anything stupid."

  
"Same goes for you too." Gabriel waved as their older brother left out the front door.

  
"You can tell me all about it later when you're feeling okay. Just sit tight and we're watching some movies." Gabriel grabbed the remote from the coffee table and started the TV. Castiel hadn't even noticed Gabriel leave to grab bags of chips from the cupboards until he heard Gabe's graceless crunching. Looking up a bit from his soaked backpack, he saw a large pack of Cheetos beside him. He was struck with disbelief and stared at Gabriel tentatively.

  
"Not a word on this, Cassie. I'm just feeling generous today... Now eat up or I'll be doing the honors." Gabriel said with a mouthful and didn't even break his attention from the TV. Castiel reached out slowly for the pack as if anticipating Gabriel to suddenly yank it away. He ripped the pack open and started eating the delicious cheesy goodness, melting in a small smile on his face and a soft hum.

  
"Don't tell Michael about me letting you eat junk food. But I don't really need to tell you that, because I know I'm your favorite brother." Gabriel smirked. Castiel could feel his heart rate begin to even out, and his trembling has long since stopped.

  
"Thank you." Castiel awkwardly said with a mouthful of Cheetos. Gabriel finally broke his attention from the TV to stare in amusement at his brother. "This is bad, Cassie! You're becoming like me! I mean I know I'm awesome but not really role model material on Michael's standards."

  
They both chuckled and fell into a comfortable silence. Gabriel was watching this strange show about a  _sexy_  doctor, as what Castiel comprehended from his explanation. The younger one was especially enjoying his pack of Cheetos. Michael has made it a mission to keep this family away from junk food, but knowing Gabriel, he had to make slight adjustments. One of these included not allowing only Castiel to eat any because of his poor health, but Gabe thinks that he should be allowed to taste bites of heaven from time to time.

  
Castiel had no real issues with what he was fed. Of course he had his favorites like red meat cheese burgers, which Gabriel would smuggle into the house for him sometimes, but he wasn't really picky with food. Although, he has been really interested in baked goods ever since that time when Lucifer first taught him how to make apple pie. He still remembers the vague memory.

  
Dean... He liked pie. It was his favorite. He made such a great effort to make apple pie from scratch with Lucifer that day. Dean never got the chance to taste it, though.

  
"Cassie? You haven't even finished the bag yet, and you're already sulking." Gabriel said with his attention on his little brother. Castiel attempted to apologize, his voice was cut off again. All he could do was shake his head and start eating again. The rest of the night was a blur in his head. He only remembers Gabriel picking up the empty packs and soda cans to throw away before Michael arrives. He couldn't even remember when he finally dozed off.

  
Exhaustion wasn't really an immediate effect of his anxiety attacks, but it could hit hard when he least expects it. A few hours later, he woke up with a calmed feeling and a slightly full stomach of junk food. He needed to drink something warm, so he slowly inched out of his tucked form that had teleported from the couch to his bed. It was really dark, and he could barely make out the door of his room. His glasses were off and decided to just leave it as it is, because it was pointless to use it in the dark anyway.

  
A soft yawn escaped his mouth as he stretched his back. He didn't expect to have slept very well, but somehow Gabriel's way of therapy helped him greatly. He slipped out his door and stayed near the walls to aid him toward the stairs. His eyes were adjusting again when he saw a dim light coming from downstairs. Was someone still up?

  
Without making a sound, he made it downstairs swiftly. He'd occasionally give Michael and Lucifer a heart attack because of his  _ninja_  skills in sneaking up behind them unnoticed. Gabriel was a different case, because it is an impossible act to sneak up on him. There was a conversation up ahead, or at least one voice could be heard talking. Castiel knew that voice well. The smugness that could equal Gabriel's, Lucifer.

  
He peeked from the thin wall between the stairs and the living room. Lucifer was pacing the ground with a serious face, talking very quietly into the phone he held. Castiel couldn't hear very well, but he knew Lucifer sounded pissed off despite his controlled voice.

  
"I said I'll be there after eight. End of conversation." It was said louder than the rest as Lucifer pressed down a button roughly and swung it over to the couch. Castiel shadowed himself from the dim light. He wondered who could Lucifer be calling at this hour, and why did he sound pissed off? Was it related to his work? Castiel didn't even know what his  _work_  was. He's sure that Michael and maybe even Gabriel knows, but no one would tell him. It makes him worry a lot, because it might be something illegal, and he doesn't want Lucifer to go to jail.

  
But he also doubt Michael would allow Lucifer to get into something illegal. Michael knows better than crossing the law he practices like a vice. Slowly, he walked into the dim light and squinted at the light. "Castiel?" Lucifer looked up to him. "Why are you awake?"

  
"Milk..." It was all he could say, and he feels stupid at how he sounds like a child. Lucifer relaxed and walked into the kitchen first. Castiel quickly trailed behind him. "I can do it..." He attempted to say, but Lucifer was already taking out a bottle of milk from the fridge. "Warm or cold?" Lucifer raised a brow at him.

  
"Warm... please." He may be acting like a little kid right now, but Charlie was right when she said that he had a really deep voice. It's even deeper than Michael's commanding tone. He wonders what other people expect his voice to sound like because of all the reactions people give when they hear him speak.

  
"Here." Lucifer poured the warmed milk from the electric thermos into a mug. Castiel took it and drank the warm liquid slowly. His stomach immediately felt less stuffy. "Take it upstairs, and try to go back to sleep, okay?" Castiel nodded and turned away. He didn't want to upset Lucifer by asking him about what he heard earlier, knowing that his brother especially didn't like people getting involved with his affairs.

  
He'll just have to trust Lucifer on this. Castiel knows how much he and his brothers hold one another closely, so he feels less concerned whether or not Lucifer is doing something that would harm himself or their family. And although his two eldest brothers are complete opposites that always clash on opinions, he knows everything will still be alright.

  
\---

  
"Michael left early today!" Gabriel cheered as he skipped into the kitchen. "And that means..." He opened up the secret compartments under the sink and pulled out boxes of cereal and cookies. Lucifer was in a bad mood that morning judging from the annoyed sneer in his seat as he grudgingly drank his black coffee. It didn't rain on Gabriel's joy as he poured copious amounts of cereal on a bowl in front of Castiel.

  
The youngest grimaced at Gabriel's suggestion of using chocolate milk on his cereal but was forced into it anyway. "Why did Michael leave so early?" Gabriel asked, and Castiel turned to the eldest in the room. "He had a client that was out of the city, so he had to drive early to avoid the rush hour traffic." Castiel nodded and smiled lightly at Lucifer to brighten up the latter's mood.

  
Lucifer rolled his eyes at him, something he rarely sees him do, since he thought all of Lucifer's sass had transferred to Gabriel. "I made you both some small pie pieces for school. Cherry pie for Castiel, and unsweetened peach-mango for Gabriel who sugar-loaded last night." And before Gabriel could react, Lucifer added, "I know all the places where you hide your stash of diabetes-inducing junk food and saw two missing packs of chips and another two missing packs of chocolate candy."

  
A knock on the door interrupted Gabriel's speech again. The three of them turned toward the door leading to the living room and was unsure who could it be at this early time or who would even dare knock on the Novak residence in the first place. Gabriel jumped from his seat and disappeared into the living room. Plenty of minutes later, a younger - but somehow almost taller than Gabriel - boy awkwardly went in the kitchen with their brother.

  
"Sam?" Castiel managed to squeak out from his throat. "Uhm, hello... I... ugh..." Sam was obviously uncomfortable with the situation, especially since Lucifer was eyeing him like a ferocious beast spotting it's next victim. "Cassie, he says he want to talk to you." Gabriel sounded amused, holding back a load of sarcasm in his voice as if he knew something.

   
Castiel nodded and stood up. Gabriel tossed his backpack at him, and he was barely able to catch it without letting it slip through his hands. Lucifer gave the trickster a look, but Gabriel made a face that Lucifer somehow understood. Castiel felt really left out of his brothers' secret gestures that he didn't comprehend. A paper bag was given to him by Lucifer before he was pushed out the doorway.

   
"Take care of him, alright?" Gabriel patted Castiel's back reassuringly, and it made Castiel more confused of the situation. Sam nodded and went for the front door, gesturing Castiel to follow him. Are they leaving? He hasn't finished his breakfast. What is this paper bag for? Oh, it's the cherry pie.

   
He was still preoccupied by looking into at the plastic container inside the paper bag that he almost tumbled backwards when he looked up to see the all too familiar black Chevy impala in front of their lawn. And inside, on the driver's seat, was Dean flashing him an award-winning smile while waving his hand. Castiel froze on his spot, and he must have looked really panicked since Sam raised his hand to distract him. "Hey! We... Well... Dean wants you to have breakfast at our place. Well... the Roadhouse... If you're fine with that? I promise we're not here to kidnap you or something."

   
Castiel wasn't really panicked over the possibility of getting kidnapped but rather on seeing Dean again after yesterday when he had another anxiety overload. Was he hearing Sam right? They... Dean wanted him to go have breakfast with them at the Roadhouse? He's never had breakfast with anyone aside from his own family. And why is Dean... Why is... Are they friends...again? Or is this just wishful thinking? Why would he ask for this then? They've never spoken more than a few words for years and suddenly, he's asked to go to his home for breakfast?

   
"You know, it's fine if you're not okay with it. I'm sorry--"

   
"No..." Castiel shocked himself when he managed to say it loudly enough to interrupt Sam. "I..." His voice lowered to a whisper again, and he decided to just nod instead. Sam now had a grin on his face as he dashed toward the impala. Castiel only noticed his legs were shaking when he began to walk toward the car. Dean was staring at him intently, and he would be lying if he said that it didn't make him uncomfortable.

   
Sam climbed into the back seat and closed the door after him. Are they expecting Castiel to... He stared at the shotgun seat directly beside where Dean sat, and his heart rate spiked upward. He wasn't sure if he could do this without having another panic attack. It was less erratic yesterday when Dean was unconscious, but now this is a different kind of interaction. He's supposed to sit shotgun on one of Dean's most prized possessions.

   
"Cas?" Dean poked his head just enough to look up at him with concern. Castiel gulped and gingerly grabbed the car's handle before opening it. He slipped into the seat awkwardly while clutching on to his backpack and paper bag with a death grip. Dean was still looking at him, and he wasn't sure if his face was heating up or if it was just really warm this morning. He kept his eyes glued to his hands and away from Dean's intense gaze.

   
"Let's go, Dean! Ellen will be pissed if the burgers get cold before we get back home." Sam interrupted. Dean stared at Castiel a little while longer before he turned on the ignition and glided out of the driveway. Castiel was thankful for Dean, who kept the speed reasonable and enough for him to not get a panic attack. Sam was quiet for the rest of the short drive and added to the rising awkward silence between them.

   
Castiel has never been to the Roadhouse before. He's never even met Dean's foster parents, because they grew apart before the death of Dean and Sam's father and before the two brothers left the state for a few years. To say that Castiel was shocked when he first saw Dean in the same high school by the start of their freshman year is a great understatement. He didn't need to confirm it whether or not that person was the same one who he shared a great part of his childhood with. The gaze they had that day was the longest they've ever shared without breaking eye contact, but Dean had looked away first and took off.

   
There were many days that Castiel hoped for Dean to talk to him, wishing to catch up on the lost time. He wanted his best friend back. But Dean didn't. For months, Castiel kept hoping for Dean to pass his way and say something, but that time never came. For three years, they passed each other in the same school as strangers that pretended to not know the other. It bore the sadness deeper within Castiel. His childhood best friend was so close to him again but nothing changed. He was still alone.

   
"Cas."

   
He hadn't noticed that the impala had already stopped in front of a small diner. His trance was consuming enough for him to not even notice that Sam had already left the car ahead and disappeared into the diner. Green eyes stared at him again, but he could only look down and squeeze his eyes closed. Dean repeated the all too familiar nickname that he made when they were younger. Hearing Dean's voice say it clenched his chest tightly.

   
"Dean..." Castiel hushed it like a whimpered prayer.

   
"Cas, look at me. Please." Dean's hand reached for him, but he instinctively moved away from the touch. He couldn't see the conflicting guilt and hurt in Dean's expression at his movement. His closed eyes slowly opened and he willed to look up and meet blue to green. There were no words for several moments, and they simply melted together their gazes into a comfortable connection. And although Castiel was still blocking himself with his backpack and keeping as far a distance as he could, Dean's gaze just pulls him in harder.

   
"I missed you, buddy..." Dean's voice fell a bit, and for once he sounded unlike his usual confident self. Castiel's eyes widened at his words. Was he dreaming? Is this really happening? The bursting feeling in his chest was too vivid for him to deny. Dean looked away again and tightened his hold on the steering wheel. "..and ugh... Thanks for yesterday... You didn't have to do that, but you did and... I'm sorry. For everything, this time. You didn't... I didn't deserve that from you."

   
"How could you say that?" Castiel was too concerned at Dean's words that he was no longer shocked at his voice coming out naturally in a soft tone. "You always say that, but it's not true. You deserve so much more than what you give yourself." Dean was the one who stared at him with wide eyes now, and they paused again for a long moment.

   
"Holy shit, guys! Can you two just make out already? The sexual tension is insane, and I thought Sam was kidding." Jo tapped on the window on Castiel's side, and it made the two inside jump in surprise. Sam was also beside her waving his hand with a smug grin on his face. Castiel flushed into a bright red and hid his face onto his backpack. Dean almost smacked his head on the wheel and yelled, "Jo! Goddammit! I told you two to give us a minute!"

   
"Newsflash, Winchester: You two have been in there for almost half an hour. We're all going to be late if you keep this up. And on a side note: we've been observing your tender eye love-making for the past five minutes with neither of you two noticing." She smirked before grabbing Sam and running back into the Roadhouse away from Dean's wrath.

   
"Shit. I'm sorry about that, Cas! Jo is really just... nosy. Don't mind her! She dabbles on with whatever she wants." Dean rubbed the back of his neck that had already begun to creep in a blush as well. Castiel was still hiding his face on his backpack and was as red as a tomato. Was he and Dean really doing what that girl had said? He feels so embarrassed and hates being the cause of embarrassment for Dean.

   
"I'm sorry..." Cas mumbled. Was he really that obvious? What if Dean feels uncomfortable now with him and would go away again? What if this time Dean will leave for good and never speak with him ever again? How could he be so oblivious and blind to his feelings? Why did it have to be Dean?

   
"Cas! No, don't! Don't cry! Please! Shit. Ugh... Cas." Dean gripped Cas' shoulders tightly, forcing the latter to face toward him. "I made you unco-...c-c-comfortable..." Cas said with a shaking voice matching his trembling.

   
"No! You didn't! It was Jo's fault. I'm sorry! Hey, look at me." Dean gently cupped the side of Cas' face and tilted it upward slowly. Castiel's glasses were tilted unevenly and his face was still very flushed with some tears running down. Dean took off his glasses and placed it on the dashboard before he proceeded to take out a plaid handkerchief from his jacket and slowly wiped away Cas' tears. Castiel was a hundred percent sure that this only made him blush even more. "Don't worry. It's clean, I promise."

   
Castiel willed his tears to stop or else he would make even more of a fool of himself. He just had to ruin the moment of finally having a proper conversation with Dean by having his anxieties get the best of him. And now Dean was calming him down by humming soft sounds to him and wiping his tears away. This is by no means how he wanted to have his first conversation in a long time with Dean.

   
Jo and Sam walked out of the Roadhouse bringing with them paper bags with Dean and Cas' breakfast inside. They immediately saw Cas' quivering and Dean's rarely flustered face. Jo was first to slip in the back seat with her most innocent grin while holding up the paper bags in front of her like a shield. Dean flashed the two of them his greatest bitch face that could outdo Sam's expert level one.

   
Castiel had calmed himself down, but he hid his face on his backpack again for the entire ride to school. It was still relatively early for their classes, but according to Dean's mindless talking in the car to keep Castiel's thoughts company, Sam is such a pain in the ass when it comes to going to school early. He noticed that the car had stopped and that the doors at the back had opened and closed. They must already be in school, and Jo and Sam must have had left.

   
He was still a debating whether or not his face had returned to it's natural color, but the smell of something delicious snapped his head up to look at the source. Dean was holding out a double cheese burger in front of him, and he grabbed it almost immediately. A smile was almost automatic on his face, washing away the remaining embarrassment he felt from earlier. Dean chuckled lightly at his enthusiasm. "I told Ellen about your favorite food, so she made that with extra tenderness and love for you."

   
Without thought, Castiel brought up the smaller paper bag he had been holding the entire time in front of Dean. It was almost like a trading gesture. Dean raised a brow at him before taking the bag. Castiel's smile widened when Dean made an almost similar shocked yet gleeful expression at seeing the pie inside.

   
This was the most comfortable the two enjoyed together in silence as they ate their favorite food. It's been years since they last ate a meal together, and yet there wasn't much of a change. Both ate like little children: stuffing their faces without a care. And when they exchanged glances, it was the first time in a long time that they laughed that happily together. Castiel had already forgotten about what happened earlier, and Dean was, for once, smiling without a smugness attached to it. 

   
How had the years of being apart go by? They had no idea. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not updating last week! Hope this chapter made up for it somehow :3


	5. "You w-were my best friend..."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angst.  
> More angst.  
> Fluff.

Castiel supposes that getting out of Dean's car a bit too early and before most of the students arrive was a bit suspicious to him. Maybe he was hoping too much that Dean would be comfortable around him again. Perhaps he was simply being kind in exchange for his help yesterday.

He moves his eyes around the slightly visible bruises below Dean's eye and around his cheek. If these weren't treated yesterday, then they would look far more alarming and serious. He hopes Dean no longer feels any pain from his injuries, but it's hard to pretend that he doesn't notice the wincing Dean makes whenever he moves his right shoulder. 

"Cas, you're thinking too hard. Chill." Dean chuckled as he snapped his fingers directly in front of Cas' knitted eyebrows. "I..." Castiel's brows were still furrowed, and he looked down. "Stop. If you're going to apologize again, I swear I'm gonna hit something." Dean deadpanned, and Castiel reacted with a recoiling shock. "Hey that was a joke! A joke!"

"Look." Dean sighed. "I- uh... Thanks. I was a huge dick to you, and yet you're still here. And Cas..." He ran a hand over his hair in a frustrated manner. "I suck at this, I know... I just... Thanks." Dean's face was heating up lightly. Cas' small smile was back, and when he thought he couldn't look Dean in the eye ever again, his gaze defies looking away.

When he thinks about it, this used to be how they spent their lazy time back when they were kids. Dean knew that he didn't talk very much out of discomfort, so just sharing their gazes felt warm for him. Looking at Dean was an art. Those green eyes that grow brighter when their gazes lock, those subtle freckles that map around his cheeks, those smug lopsided grins and laughs: the things he'll never get bored of observing. 

Without Dean, all he remembers is the pain and the pessimistic tugs against his mind. But with Dean here, their gazes filling a hole that had grown far too deep, he could only feel happiness. It was like becoming a child all over again. He could feel the times when nothing was a bigger problem than getting bruises from falling off a bike.

He could simply stand here with Dean, sharing nothing but their eyes and silence, and feel more warmth than all the dull days he had spent all these years. He could forget about Dean being half the cause of all his grief. He could forget about his father's disappearance. He could forget about Michael's unreasonably strict rules. He could feel the spike of rebellion once again.

Dean has always been the troublemaker even as a child. Castiel was not one to go against his family's rules, but somehow he always ended up in situations that would end with both of them in trouble. But during those times, he didn't care. The adrenaline and rush of enjoying their youth through acts of neighborhood pranking, climbing up trees, skidding down busy streets, and coloring the town in craft paint. One would think that he was once worse than Gabriel.

Castiel loved that kind of side to Dean and not what he had become today. Dean was now a delinquent primarily. The only reason he isn't expelled from the school is because of his athletic activities. He would frequently get into fights inside and outside of school. His grades weren't the lowest of the bunch, but he was obviously not adding any effort in his academics. Cas wanted to pretend that Dean wasn't a playboy who had dated almost every willing female in town, but it wasn't a very hidden fact among everyone.

He loves Dean, a fact that he once denied because of the environment he was raised in. But his father's and brothers' warm acceptance of his sexual preferences made him understand. He loved Dean and only Dean. For years, no one has ever struck him as suddenly as how Dean had. He once tried to be interested in other people. Women were once an option while growing up, but none ever made him feel the same. It wasn't a good sign when all he could think about was comparing these people to Dean on each move they make.

But Dean doesn't love him the same way he does. Of course there was that surge of love from their friendship, but it wasn't enough. Dean has made it a public announcement and code of how he only prefers women. He shouldn't have  
crossed that uncrossable line back then.

"Cas?"

"I'm sorry, Dean..." His voice faltered, and he can't help but look down to hide the welling of tears around his eyes. "Hey, I told you to stop that. What's wrong? You didn't do anything--" Dean was cut off.

"I did." He said with eyes shut tightly. He didn't care if tears were coming out in small intervals and if his face was growing red in embarrassment again. "I shouldn't... h-have... I-..."

"Cas. You didn't do anything wrong! Stop that. Please." Dean gripped his shoulders tightly, forcing the smaller boy to face him instead of shying away.

"I shouldn't have..." Cas attempted to say again, but his breathing hitched with his whimpers.

"Shouldn't have what?" Dean looked at him confused. He opened the nearest door beside them and dragged them both inside. Cas was still closing his eyes and moving away from Dean's touch, so standing inside a small janitor's room was a struggle.

"I never got t-to... I... n-never... I... apologize... I-I'm sorry, D-Dean..."

"Cas, I don't understand. I'm getting worried... Please stop crying." Dean managed to pull out a small towel from his bag and began to wipe away the tears that were about to spill all over Cas' sweater, carefully maneuvering around Cas' glasses.

"When we were kids..." Cas' voice was barely a whisper now, and the small space they were in gave enough aid for Dean to hear. Dean's eyebrows knitted together in more confusion, but he didn't interrupt Castiel.

"I'm sorry... f-for k-k-kissing y-you..." Castiel pulled away completely from Dean's hold and bumped on the closet behind him. His hands were covering his face that had grown incredibly red from all the force he put into speaking. Dean's jaw dropped a bit and he was obviously stunned, one hand still frozen in midair.

"I-I'm so sorry, Dean. B-Because of that...y-y-you left and..." Cas was sobbing now, and he wanted to run away and never show his face to Dean again. But he needed to do this. He has always wanted to apologize to Dean for so long that he forgot how easily he gets consumed in his panic attacks.

"You w-were my best friend... and I-I... I'm sorry, Dean..." Cas opened his eyes, but he strayed from looking at Dean. "Thank y-you for this morning." He blocked away all the sounds around him, or the sounds were getting blocked off from his hearing. Everything was a haze now. His hands found the knob of the door, and he had already dashed away from the room. His brothers' had always told him that he was an incredibly fast runner when he would go into his episodes, but he couldn't really feel it.

All that was around him was a bundle of sounds that grew louder and softer at different intervals. His vision was fogging around the edges of his glasses. There was this light feeling in his chest that had finally erupted from all those years of walking past Dean and being unable to apologize to him properly.

He hoped to be Dean's best friend again, and he knew perfectly well about the consequences if he brought up the past, but he couldn't stop himself. Apologizing for his mistakes were heavier when people he loved were involved. And he never thought it right if he would accept this new bout of friendship that had begun today without exploring the unfinished.

If Dean still wanted to be his friend again, it was a far off possibility now. And he wasn't sure if it hurt him more than walking past the halls like strangers again. He apologized, and he thought it was a step easier for him to move on now. But why does it still feel too much? Why does it still feel as painful as it always had been? Why is this light feeling in his chest burning a new scar?

Was he hoping for a different outcome? Did he want Dean to hold him tightly? To hug him? To hum him into calmness? To make him feel wanted again?

Maybe that's all he wanted. All he needed. Maybe all he needed was his fantasies of having Dean love him materialize into reality. Being so close to Dean again made his fears and panics drag themselves away. Why did it have to be Dean?

His legs gave way and he fell in a daze to the ground. He somehow found his way to the locker rooms behind the school. The lack of sounds and people were probably what aided his cluttered senses here.

His glasses slipped from the edge of his nose, and he pulled them away to set them on the ground. His knees pulled up against his chest as he buried his face in them. All he needed to do now was force himself to calm down. Just let the time pass but stay conscious. This'll all go away, and he could go back to his normal life pretending that nothing had happened. If anyone saw his state as he ran across the halls, it didn't matter. It was either those people knew exactly who he was and knew it was normal, or simply didn't care because they didn't look twice at him.

If only he could tear away the face of Dean off his mind, the tears would stop. Of all the people that could matter to him this much, why was it always Dean? He wonders if that will ever change. No amount of disgust or discomfort from people could make his thoughts stop from spiralling around Dean.

He was coughing now, but he made no move to stop it. When reaching this part of his episodes, he simply couldn't feel pain anymore. Not from his legs that fell against the stone floor, nor from his eyes burning through the tears. He couldn't even feel the excessive coughing or the sting of the cold from the air of the locker room. It was as if all traces of physical worry was expelled, and all that is left was the numbing pain somewhere inside his subconscious and in his chest.

Could he disappear this way? He always seemed to thought so. Michael, Lucifer and Gabriel would leave him alone in his room when he had calmed down from his major panic attacks, but they never knew that it was during these times when it hurt the most. It were these times when he would be left all alone. It was then when he could simply disappear from anyone because no one thought about staying.

There were those little bursts like last night with Gabriel, who kept him company. He was thankful for it. But those times when his attacks were too intense that he could barely stand, he would be left alone in his room once all the pain had numbed out of him. Was he too much of a heavy weight on his family? Could they get tired of him one day? Will he end up the same? Alone and unwanted?

A hand gently rubbed his back and another slowly tilted his head up. There were humming sounds that filled the eerie silence of the room. He could feel strong arms scoop him up from his position and guided him into sitting down properly against the lockers. A shadow loomed over him, and a hand cupped his cheek carefully.

Cas couldn't feel any much of what is happening, and his eyes aren't cooperating very well. He was sure of one thing, though. Someone was hugging him tightly, warmth seeping up his skin. He knew this warmth, and he knew this voice that only hummed classic rock songs, but the numbing hadn't stopped yet. The last thing he faintly remembers was looking up to see a green sky before he drifted into sleep.

\---

Castiel woke up to the faint sound of rippling water nearby. He felt well rested and warm. One little movement made him open his eyes in shock. There was an arm wrapped around his back tightly, and he noticed his own arms folded in front of him while clutching on to something dark tightly. He could faintly smell cologne on his nose, and he looked up to see a round collar of a black shirt. 

His face heated up, and he pushed away whoever was keeping him balanced. "Cas! Don't!" 

But it was too late, he pushed himself back with too much force that he tumbled backwards. Little did he know that Dean was sitting by the edge of the swimming pool with his lower legs dipped in the water. Cas didn't reach out to grip Dean, so he fell into the water with one big splash. He heard Dean calling his name, but now a new panic spiked up in him as he was sinking further down into the water. 

He wasn't coordinated enough to paddle upward, and his breathing was coming out short as he drank some amounts of the chlorinated water. Hands grabbed his sweater, and he was heaved upward with his arms. In a panic, he was thrashing around to grab anything within reach. 

When his head finally returned to the surface, he coughed out uncontrollably while flailing his hands everywhere. His eyes were squeezed tightly when he struggles from sinking and getting boosted up again. "Cas! Calm down! Hey!" 

Castiel's back hit the edge of the pool, and Dean finally gained leverage to grab while holding on to him. When he finally realized that he was safe now, he stopped moving around and simply hung on to Dean's shoulders. He slowly adjusted his vision while coughing out the remaining water stuck in his throat. His breathing was heavy and so was Dean's, but neither one moved from their position of being tangled together at the edge of the pool.

Dean's arm was still protectively around Cas' waist to keep him balanced in the water. They were so close to each other, closer than either would have been comfortable with. But somehow it felt right, and it felt safe for both of them. Their eyes locked again, and this time, they were only mere inches away. Castiel's face was heating up again from realizing their intimate position and their lack of personal space. Dean was no better with his freckles popping out of his face from the blush creeping up. Both looked away, and it only made the blush grow deeper.

"You're stronger than you look, you know." Dean managed to chuckle against his heavy breaths. "You almost knocked me out unconscious back there." Castiel's hands loosened from Dean's shoulders to pull away, but Dean moved closer to place his forehead gently over Cas' right shoulder. He jumped lightly and held his breath in shock. His heart was beating a little too much for him to handle, and he never knew his face could get any hotter.

Why was Dean doing this? Does he even know what he is doing? Was this act simply from the heat of the moment? They're still fully clothed and soaked in chlorinated water! How had Dean even gotten in here? The swimming gym should be closed today. 

Questions moved around Cas' mind to keep his thoughts away from the reality of having Dean here so close to him. Shouldn't this be uncomfortable for Dean? This is all his fault again. Why does he have to panic so quickly? Not to mention that Dean had to save him from drowning out of panic too. 

"I'm sorry." Castiel sucked in a breath, holding in his stutter.

Dean raised his head to look directly at Cas, and he wore that unreadable expression again. Cas was unsure if Dean had gotten angry, because there was a scowl that had begun to form on Dean's face, but somehow the expression was more of worry. It was an angered kind of worry. Castiel was going to apologize again, but Dean cut him off.

"I told you to stop that, Cas." Dean said with a serious tone, and it made Castiel flinch in fear. A tear had begun to escape from his eye, and shaking had begun to tremble on his shoulders. "Don't ever apologize to someone like me, Cas. Don't say you're sorry... Especially for..."

Castiel expected so many different outcomes for this situation, and that included Dean getting out of the pool and leaving him immobile in the water. He had expected Dean to wring out his clothes in anger because he didn't have time to take off his jeans or shirt before jumping in after Castiel fell. He had expected Dean to drop a towel somewhere nearby and leave the gym, never to speak to him again. He had expected that Dean would finally get tired and frustrated enough of him and leave. Again.

But he did not expect that at this single moment as they stilled in the water, locking tear-stained eyes with angered ones, Dean would lean in closer and close the gaps between their breaths. Castiel has never been kissed before. Sure he kissed Dean back when they were kids, but it was a mere peck on his lips before he moved away. It wasn't like this. It wasn't a slow build of longing against his small pale lips onto Dean's fuller ones. The soft touch turned heated the moment Dean's arm, which was still wrapped around Cas' waist, pulled them closer together.

Castiel's hands found their way to clutch weakly at the end of Dean's shirt. From the numerous times of feeling lightheaded and hazy from his anxiety attacks, kissing Dean was a different kind of spiralling ecstasy. Warmth burst from his chest, and it only filled deeper when Dean's tongue swiped over his lower lip. His breathing hitched, and he wasn't aware that he had eagerly arched into the touch, gripping Dean in the arms now.

Dean's hand that was clutching onto the edge of the pool was fighting the urge to let go and grab Cas' dark hair. The kissing was sloppy from the lack of proper leverage, but it was the most heated kiss Dean had ever experienced. It was as if neither of the two could get enough of tasting each other's mouth. Breathing had become the least of their concerns when Dean's tongue slipped into Cas' mouth. His mouth tasted faintly of their breakfast, and strangely enough, of honey, but Dean couldn't miss the distinct taste that was all Castiel. When their tongue's found each other, it was almost too much for both of them. Dean could feel the shudders of blood rushing down south, and he finally pulled away from the kiss.

Seeing Cas' flushed face and kiss-swollen lips only made the maddening desire building in Dean grow stronger. "Shit." He struggled to say from his ragged breathing. Cas' hadn't even done anything, but everything about him made all of Dean's senses buzz in awareness and anticipation. He couldn't even understand how Cas' hair had managed to dry a bit and tousle into what looks like the hottest sex hair he has ever seen. 

The sound of footsteps and a conversation broke their dazed lust-blown expressions. Dean took no time to hold Castiel's waist and heave him up into the edge of the pool. Dean pulled himself out of the water, with Castiel attempting to help him as well. The cold air brushed mercilessly on their wet clothes, but they didn't have time to react on it. Dean slipped in his shoes quickly while Castiel managed to find his glasses folded neatly nearby.

Dean reached to hold Cas' wrist after leaning down to grab both their backpack's from the ground. There was the sound of keys being inserted into the lock at the main entrance of the gym, but Dean didn't give Cas' a chance to look toward that direction as he pulled them both into the other side of the gym. 

Castiel willingly allowed Dean to pull him away hurriedly. When they reached the back door of the gym, they heard shouts from the other door calling their attention. Both didn't dare look back and was quick to disappear trough the doors. Dean maneuvered with skill around the back of the school until they reached a small opening leading to the field near the parking lot. The whole place was deserted of students, and Castiel only remembers now that he missed classes again. He's sure that the teachers must have contacted Michael by now.

"Relax. I told that friend of yours to tell the teachers that you're in the clinic. Before I found you, I ran into her and told her about it." Dean said as they passed the edge of the grassy field. "Charlie?" Castiel asked, and Dean nodded, "Yeah, that perky redhead."

"Thank you." Castiel softly said. "No problem. It's my fault anyway that you got into a panic attack. You also fell asleep when I found you in the locker rooms. I had to move you to the swimming gym -don't ask how- because Gordon and other students might see us in there, and because it was the closest locked area from the locker rooms." Dean said as they finally halted to a stop somewhere by the parking lot. Castiel felt an itch on his nose, and it led to a series of multiple sneezes that were too soft and squeaky. He sounded like a kitten crossed with a little baby as he continued to sneeze in intervals.

When he finally inhaled a deep breath and calmed down, he felt wide eyes on him. He turned to see Dean staring at him in shock, but this quickly turned into a smug grin followed by a loud amused laugh. "Cas, that was..." He stopped to laugh some more. Cas' pouted as he rubbed his reddened nose with his knuckles. Dean didn't stop laughing, though, and it made Castiel feel a surge of joy at seeing Dean happy like this. He may not know many of Dean's unreadable expressions now, but this one he has always been longing to look upon again.

"So..." Dean would have to stop to chuckle a bit more before continuing. "Dude, let's go get a change of clothes or else that brother of yours is going to catch you getting a cold, and somehow figure out what happened and put me to trial for it."

Cas smiled and nodded. He doesn't know what's happening right now, but he doesn't care for once. He can worry about Michael later, and maybe skipping a day of classes won't be so bad. He's already taken down notes of their lecture topics for the day anyway. Right now, all he could register is that Dean is here with him, laughing and soaking wet. And he'd be a great fool to forget that Dean Winchester just kissed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the slightly late update. I haven't been in the mood to write this week. And by not in the mood, I mean generally traumatized after having to make a 20-page essay about the love-hate relationship between religion and science. So don't sass me about not being in the mood to write D':
> 
> I do hope you still enjoyed the angst and fluff induced chapter anyway. I did my best. T^T
> 
> And please do add your comments or rants or what not :) I've had a pretty bad week, and seeing comments on my works really liven up my spirit to continue writing!


	6. "Well played."

"What happened? Are you hurt? Did you and Dean get in a fight? Tell me the details! Did you make up? Or... make out?" Charlie looked fairly concerned but ended her array of questions with a suggestive grin. "Knowing you, you'd never allow yourself to miss out on classes. So... Something big came up. Both interpretations for the previous statement are applicable." She finished with a wink.

It didn't take a second for Cas to grow a dark shade of red from from her final innuendo. "N-No!" He managed to reply shakily.

"Then what? Give me details, dude! I didn't save your ass from teachers all morning to not get answers." Charlie was beaming with excitement and undying will from her shipping heart. "I wouldn't have minded if you guys spent the whole day off, you know. You need a break from consuming every single textbook we have."

"She's right, Cas." A smooth and laid back voice joined in after dropping a tray of lunch on the table beside Castiel. "But according to him, his trickster of a brother would figure out eventually that he has skipped classes if he makes a no-show around the school." Castiel's eyes widened, and he inched away from the figure who was now sitting directly beside him. "Hmm... I almost forgot about that guy's network of information..." Charlie nodded, and was now smiling smugly toward the ever so flushed Castiel.

"Hey Charlie, thanks for backing him up in his classes." Dean smiled to her then returned an equally smug smile of satisfaction at Cas. "So Dean... Cas has made it a mission to keep whatever happened this morning a secret. Do you mind to inform me of the details instead?"

"Well..."

"Stop!" Cas silently shrieked as he looked up at Dean with an angry look, which made him no less look like an adorable kitten. Dean and Charlie took a moment to stare in amazement at Cas' expression before bursting into fits of laughter. "Dude, I knew you were shy and all, but what's the big deal?" Charlie smirked with a silent giggle.

"I guess you'll have to find out the details from him, Charlie." Dean shrugged. "And just in case... I deny to the ends of the earth whatever uncool thing he would say about me." Cas snapped at him with his still angry tomato look, then turned away, avoiding eye contact with Dean, and started munching on the vegetables on his food tray. He wasn't prepared when Dean suddenly yanked away his food tray and moved it aside, but his furrowed brows loosened when Dean placed a paper bag in place of his food tray on the table.

Charlie grew curious as Castiel gingerly opened the contents of the paper bag. The smell of something flame-grilled piqued Cas' nose. It doesn't smell like burgers, he thought to himself. He reached inside the bag slowly and pulled out a bacon-wrapped hotdog with white bread. Charlie was surprised and pleased, so as Dean, when Cas' rare and bright smile was back on his face. 

"Please don't tell any of your brothers about this. Feeding you burgers this morning and now this for lunch, I bet Mickey would think I'm trying to kill you." Dean said in a soft yet smug tone. His eyes were plastered on Cas' pleased face as the latter munched into his food. Charlie couldn't help but feel hyper and giddy at seeing Dean look at Cas' like he was looking at the most precious and adorable thing in the world.

"Thank you, Dean." Castiel said in the most casual way that his companions have ever heard him say while chewing on his food. When he noticed the sudden silence around him, he looked up to see a wide eyes on him from both Dean and Charlie. Their stares made him feel nervous and resulted to his slouching and shying away from their gaze. 

"Cas... You didn't sound nervous! And you weren't whispering... or stuttering... Cas, this is great!" Dean smiled and couldn't help but unconsciously grab Cas' wrist in excitement. From that small touch, Castiel felt heat rise up his face, and he went still. Dean realized that he unintentionally grabbed him, and immediately released his grip. "Uh sorry, buddy... I..." Heat also began to crawl from Dean's neck and began to flush around the freckles over his cheeks.

The sight made Charlie beam with a struggle to keep calm and not fangirl dramatically in public. She needs to know what the hell happened between these two this morning. There's more to it than she's getting, and the need for answers is excruciating. 

"Ah! Mr. Novak. You're out of the clinic." A voice came up from beyond their table. The three turned to see one of their teachers, Ms. Pamela. "Are you feeling well no--- Do you have a fever? Your face is flushed!" She immediately placed a hand over his forehead. "Oh dear, you're heating up... You should have stayed in the clinic. We wouldn't want your guardian to worry." She turned to see Dean in a similar state. "You as well, Mr. Winchester? I'm taking both of you to the clinic right now. Come now."

\---

Earlier this morning...

Castiel fidgeted and awkwardly shuffled in his place a few steps away from the front door of Dean's home. His clothes had dried a bit, but still left an icy touch and uncomfortable feeling. What if Bobby or Ellen sees them? He's not very well with interacting with older people; He's not very good with interacting with people in general. He should thank Ellen for the delicious burger, though. But Bobby Singer scares him. He strikes Castiel as a very stubborn and outspoken man but respectable nonetheless.

"Come on. It's fine. You'll get sick if you don't come inside right now." Dean gestured repeatedly to let Castiel inside. "Bobby is out front in Repair Shop, and Ellen is at the Roadhouse. It's fine." It took more of Dean's reassurances and, he rushed inside after another gush of cold air hit him. The inside of the Singer residence was a haphazard display of comfort. Random items and decor were all over the place, and they left an evident mark of territory. The smell was distinctly of roasted food and alcohol. It wasn't unpleasant per se, but it was definitely different. The house was a far cry from Michael's insistent need to keep everything organized and in complete order.

"Dude. I'm freezing, so if you're done marvelling the wonder that is Bobby's house, I suggest you get your ass up here." Dean poked his head from the top railings of the staircase. Castiel hadn't even realized that he had stopped to look around further and didn't see Dean climb upstairs. He took careful and rushed steps to catch up with Dean upstairs.

Dean disappeared into one of the rooms, and Castiel felt a pang of nervousness on the situation. Being in Dean's house was one thing, but going into his room is a really private matter. Maybe he should just wait outside. He wasn't invited inside right? What if Dean will get pissed off? A hand softly gripped on of his wrists, that were tightly against his chest protectively. "Cas, you're thinking too much again." Dean's voice was soothing, and there wasn't a tinge of sarcasm or smugness to it. Castiel relaxed to the touch, and he allowed himself to be pulled into Dean's room. 

The room was surprisingly cleaner than what Cas had expected. There were numerous boxes pushed against corners and walls that held records, mix tapes, and other various CDs. There was a guitar case clad in thin dust against the side of Dean's wooden closet. The windows were locked and drawn with curtains, leaving only a dim light from the morning sun into the room. Cas marvelled at the posters of classic rock icons plastered against the walls reaching almost to the ceiling. He also noticed the smell of the room, the same scent that woke him up earlier at the swimming pool.

Unconsciously, Dean started taking off his jacket and wet shirt in one coordinated tug and tossed then into the basket beside the door. The sound of the basket skidding back onto the wall jolted Castiel into looking back at Dean. He paused at seeing Dean, who was already unbuckling his belt. His eyes trailed over the broad shoulders and the strong muscles of Dean's arms, down toward th--

Dean stopped moving, and Cas' eyes whipped back upward toward green eyes that gazed at him in amusement. "I'm assuming you like the view?" Castiel's face flushed bright red in an instant, and he tumbled backwards, hitting the back of his knees on Dean's bed. He felt trapped in his spot, caged by Dean's gaze. His hands shot up to hide his face from under his glasses. 

"H-Hey! I didn't mean to..." Dean reached to touch Cas' shoulder and rub reassuring circles over his back. "Cas..." He pulled back his hand, and began to pull down Cas' hands slowly. "Here. My bathroom is over there. Just leave your wet clothes on the sink." Cas' nodded and disappeared into the bathroom with Dean's clothes.

The sigh of relief was almost comical when Cas' closed the door behind him. His heart had began to hammer relentlessly against his rib cage, and the feeling was at the edge of pain. This was the first time he has ever experienced soliciting a reaction like that just from staring at someone's body. He felt embarrassed and wanted to hide in his room for a few hours. But knowing he wasn't home and was inside Dean's room instead made him more flushed in embarrassment. 

He looked up to see a sink with a regular-sized mirror. His reflection revealed a face that was still pink and hair that was sticking out everywhere. His semi-wet clothes clung onto him uncomfortably, and it took a lot more force to get his thick sweater off him. He looked up at the mirror to see his pale and thin torso. Comparing it to Dean's tanned and muscled one made him realize a new insecurity. He shook off the thoughts and began to change his clothes as quick as possible.

Dean's clothes were warm and very comfortable. Castiel doesn't own very many plain cotton t-shirts, because Michael always provides them with expensive things. Gabriel easily picks out clothes that match him well, and Lucifer has been wearing really expensive suits like Michael recently, but Castiel, on the other hand, wasn't very picky with his clothes. He preferred wearing the ones that showed the least skin, so he had a wardrobe filled with long sleeved button-downs with matching vests, sweaters, and jackets. Right now he wasn't sure if wearing Dean's clothes was a good idea, because they looked noticeably larger on him. Luckily, Dean's jeans weren't too big to look baggy. 

"Hey Cas, are you okay in there?" Dean softly knocked on the door. Cas opened the door and kept his gaze stapled to the floor. Dean's eyes hovered over Cas momentarily, until their eyes found each other again. "Uhm... I need to talk to you."

Dean broke their gaze as quickly as it started and retraced his steps back into the room, stopping directly beside his bed. He took a seat, and patted the space beside him for Cas to sit down as well. The gesture was nothing more than an invitation to sit, but this means Dean has something to tell him immediately. Fear pumped inside him, and the look of unease on Dean's face made his heart drop.

Was this the time for regrets? It seemed like it. He knew what happened earlier was a bitter lie. Dean probably just kissed him to calm him down, but now it's time to face reality. It was just the heat of the moment. Cas bit his lower lip, and hardened his gaze to stop the tears that instantly formed in his eyes. "N-No need, Dean..." He kept his eyes on the floor. "I und-d-derstand. It was... a mistake..." His voice fell at the last syllable.

"Cas, what are you talking about?" Unknowingly, Dean had already stood up to stand directly in front of him, steadying him securely from swaying away. "I don't think we're on the same page here..." Cas felt his knees buckle, and he thought he was going to slide down to the ground, but he found himself suspended in air in a bridal carry. Dean easily moved him to sit on the edge of the bed, slightly leaning Cas to the side where he sat. His hands didn't leave from clutching on to Cas' protectively, a hand instinctively cupping Cas' cheek.

Their eyes were back to being locked together. There was confusion and worry on Cas' face, but it was quick to vanish after Dean leaned in and pressed a soft kiss on his forehead. "Cas, I need you to listen to me. You don't have to say anything, just... listen to me... okay?" 

Cas nodded, lips slightly parted in astonishment. "How do I start this... Uhm... Well... Dammit. I--... Cas, I'm sorry. I know I haven't really apologized to you properly for everything that has happened. Partly because you kept saying the apologies, and well... because I... Because I'm a horrible person, Cas, and don't try to say anything otherwise again. I know haven't been fair to you, and I'm well deservingly entitled to having the award of worst best friend in the world for quite some years now." He tried to laugh, but it came out dry. "But I want you to know that... I do... I do still see you as my best friend, my only real friend outside of family. It's not fair, I know. After everything that happened... How I hurt you repeatedly."

"I just want to make things clear, Cas. About... us. I still see you as my best friend, Cas, but I also don't want you to be my best friend anymore... Cas, I'm not gay." The words took Cas by surprise, and the tears that welled in his eyes began to fall. "...I'm not gay. But I couldn't believe myself that after all these years and after all the time I spent ignoring and avoiding you, you're still... you're an... exemption... 'coz I'm still... I still... Dammit. I love you, okay?" Dean's face was already as red as Cas' earlier. 

Dean noticed that Cas had stilled from breathing and shaking. The moment he turned his head slightly to look at Cas, he was tackled down against the mattress into a big hug and a sloppy kiss. Castiel was smiling into the kiss, and Dean adjusted himself under Cas to gain a better leverage in holding Cas' waist. They were both lost in a haze of heated kissing, but neither yielded. Dean's hand rose up to grab Cas' dark hair, deepening the kiss further. He felt blood surge in his body after a soft moan escaped Cas' lips. 

Both of their hands began to slide over each other, against their sides, climbing over unconsciously up their shirts. Castiel's gasp gave Dean's tongue the chance to gain access into his mouth, breaths hot over each other. His glasses were angled carelessly now, but the desire building in him gave no chance to care. Dean's warm hands slid up Cas' back, and his body replied with a shudder, pressing down harder against Dean's body. Cas pulled away to pant heavily, but Dean pulled him back in with his tongue swiping over his lips. They needed to be closer, to feel every inch of warmth they desired, but Dean knew better than to push Cas into unknown territory, so he pulled away with one last swipe of tongues.

"Holy shit, Cas. I did not see that coming." His voice was hoarse from all the kissing, but he just couldn't pass up the smug smirk on his face as he looked up at Cas' flushed and disheveled appearance, finding the unevenly centered eyeglasses on the bridge of his nose a lot more attractive than he would have thought. Castiel looked away and felt a tinge of embarrassment when he realized the position he was still in. He attempted to move away, but Dean held his back securely, the other hand carefully pulled off the glasses on Cas' face. 

Dean placed another kiss on Cas' forehead before guiding his head down over his chest. Castiel smells the scent of Dean's cologne again, and he melted into Dean's embrace with a soft sigh. "Honestly... I wasn't sure how this would have ended, but I am glad to have you here with me, Cas." Dean's arms tightened around Cas' thin body. Cas nuzzled impossibly closer to Dean and felt his erratic heartbeats from earlier calm evenly again.

Never mind the fact that he's missing second period class. Never mind that Michael will probably call an entire search team if he finds out. Never mind the negative thoughts that swam through his thoughts repeatedly today. Because right now, Dean Winchester is here, holding him tightly in an embrace no one has ever given him. It was intimate and full of warmth, different from the concern-driven and anxious hugs of his brothers. The feeling was of complete surrender from all other senses. 

He's pretty sure that the embarrassment and discomfort of being so close to Dean like this will spike up later especially when there are other people around, but being here with Dean alone, nothing could feel more comfortable.

\---

"Cassieeeeee!" Gabriel busted into the infirmary in a loud and dramatic fashion while holding on to a bag of sweets and a liter of orange juice. "I come with offerings that will heal your soul!" The nurses acted as if there wasn't a noisy student wandering around, or they simply did not want to get involved. "There you are, Cassie!" His eyes landed on Castiel's small form wrapped around a white sheet tightly as he sat down at the center of the bed. "What happened to you, my sweet little bro? Are you alright now? Tell me everything! Oh. Dean? You're here too?" He turned to see Dean, who has been sitting by the edge of Cas' bed the entire time.

Dean gave the trickster an unamused expression which was brushed off quickly. Gabriel began pulling away the sheets around Castiel, "Come on. Luci will be here in a few minutes." Castiel reached for the orange juice first, and Dean interrupted by swiping it away and taking a glass from the table beside them. He poured the drink in the glass and handed it over to Castiel in a fast motion.

"Hmm..." Gabe hummed smugly, exchanging his eyes between the two younger ones who were obviously more comfortable together now. "So are you boyfriends, yet?" The question made Cas, who was at the process of drinking his orange juice, cough uncontrollably, shaking the glass on his hand. Dean was swift to move to his side and rub Cas' back and slowly pat it. When Cas managed to stop the coughing, he looked up to see a soaked Gabriel.

"You know if this is revenge for the whole beer fiasco I got you in, then well played, Cassie. Well played."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter... I'm sorry. This is all my fault. Unforgivable.   
> *runs back into room to finish tons of homework and do the 40-page readings on Greek literature*


	7. "I missed you so much..." (Part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is only Part 1 of Chapter 7. If you guys have noticed, I haven't been posting for over two weeks already. My mom got hospitalized after a mild stroke, so I haven't really had time to do my usual routines. But just to assure ya'll that I'm still alive and that this fic will go on, I decided to break chapter 7 into two.

 

"You're home late." Michael crossed his arms as he greeted the three younger Novaks at the front door. To say they were shocked to see him home early would be a grave understatement. The three exchanged looks of confusion before their eyes landed back on the eldest.

 

"Uhm... Well, we were uh..." Gabriel tried to explain.

 

"I received a call from the clinic that Castiel was made to rest there for the afternoon because of a fever." He sternly said. "And--" Michael's eyes widened as they trailed down Castiel's attire. "Castiel. Why are you wearing that? Whose clothes are those? What happened?"

 

"Michael, I can explain..." Gabriel quickly interjected and moved in front of Castiel. "It was my fault."

"What..." Castiel tried to react, but Lucifer pulled him back. Gabriel continued, "I tried to cheer up Castiel who was feeling down during lunch break, so I kind of... Let's just say... I sneaked into the swimming gym with him." Michael's eyes flared, but Gabriel stopped him from interrupting, "I thought it was a good idea to go for a little swim, you know. Castiel likes the water, so I thought what the hell! But when I was a little "too" enthusiastic, I accidentally pushed Castiel into slipping into the pool with a full set of clothes still on..."

 

Michael's glare looked dangerous and terrifying. "Lucifer. Take Castiel upstairs." Castiel pushed away from Lucifer's hold and moved in front of Michael, mimicking Gabriel's previous actions. "No! It's not true!" He yelled with a full voice, which shocked all three brothers. "I-I went to the swimming gym alone. I-I-It w-was my own fault that I slipped!""Castiel... You expect me to believe that you-" Michael warned, but Castiel shook his head. "Gabriel had nothing to do with it! I promise!" Castiel's ability to speak that without stutters and in a full voice was indeed shocking, but Lucifer couldn't hide a smile when it happened. "I'm sorry, Michael."The eldest brother looked conflicted between being angry and between dropping the subject. He was still amazed at Castiel. He sighed in a slightly furious manner while running a hand through his dark hair, which was the same shade of Castiel's hair. "Where did you get those clothes?" He tried his best to sound soft."A classmate..." Castiel voice toned down to a whisper again. "And where are your wet clothes?" Castiel's eyes widened and remembered his clothes back in Dean's room. He forgot to take them with him when they left for school again. "I-""I knew I forgot something!" Gabriel face-palmed. "I left it at the nurse's station! I'll just get it back by tomorrow." Michael's shoulder's relaxed slightly, but his annoyance was still clear in his eyes. "Don't think that you're cleared of this, Gabriel. I don't appreciate being made a fool out of. Your lying has gotten out of hand.""Yeah, well you were scaring Cassie, so I just... whatever." Gabriel gave up and finally apologized."Castiel, go upstairs and take a shower." Michael ordered. "Yes, Michael." Castiel nodded and ran up the staircase with his backpack in tow."Okay. I don't know what the hell you two did to make Castiel have a sudden development to talk normally and look more comfortable, but I approve of it. So I'll let you off the hook this time, Gabriel." Michael turned to the two. Lucifer and Gabriel exchanged knowing looks.---Castiel couldn't sleep that night, mindlessly tracing the streams of faint moonlight slipping through the thin curtains of his room. He sat at the center of his bed with legs folded in front of him. It had been years since Castiel stayed awake at night without depressing thoughts spiralling his mind. The only thing he felt was warmth in his chest, with the constant replaying of the events from earlier.He would have been panicking again. He wasn't sure what he was to Dean at this point. Were they more than just friends now? He couldn't say, and he was afraid to ask. But all the possible negativity that could cloud his mind was layered by Dean's words. Dean told him that he wasn't gay, but that he still loves Castiel. He was the only exemption. The memory of Dean's flustered face sent beams of happiness climbing up the tips of his lips.When images of their heated kissing came to thought, his face grew red instantly against the dimly moonlit room. How could he suddenly grow so courageous like that when he's alone with Dean? He would never attempt to do even the slightest similar act like tackling him into a kiss if there were other people around. Even a simple touch of hands would make him uncomfortable and jittery if eyes other than Dean's were looking. And Charlie's constant questioning with an unstoppable array of innuendos only worsen his case.

 

A buzzing sound broke his thoughts that began to form around the intricate white designs of his Doctor Who carpet. He turned to see his phone vibrate atop his desk in continuous intervals. Slowly, he stood up. Unsure of who could be calling at dawn and of the darkness of his room, his steps were cautious. He peeked at the screen of his phone and saw an unregistered number resilient in its call.

 

"H-Hello?" He wasn't sure if his voice was loud enough to be heard. There was silence on the other line. He repeated his words a bit louder, weariness at the tip of his tongue. Then he heard a small sigh. Castiel was about to end the call, but stopped at hearing a voice.

 

"Heya, Cas."

 

"Dean..." He couldn't hide the surprise in his voice.

 

"I...uh...couldn't sleep. Did I wake you?" Dean sounded soft and was keeping his voice low. "No. I couldn't sleep too." Castiel replied with a small smile on his face. There was a long pause at the other line. "Dean?"

 

"I really like hearing your voice again, Cas... I miss hearing it so much."

 

Castiel felt a warmth wrap around him once more, creeping up a soft blush around his cheeks. "I missed listening to you, Dean... having you beside me." 

 

"I miss you so much, Cas."

 

Upon hearing those words, he couldn't understand the feeling building up in his chest. It hurts. There is a constant sting surrounding his eyes and a heavy weight pushing down over his chest. Tears were unconsciously sliding down from his face, and he could feel his breathing uneven. His hands were trembling, and his mind spiralled into a painful memory.

 

 

_Castiel searched the small house, circling it endlessly, looking for any sign that they were still in there. That Dean would still be in there. But the house sat still: windows boarded up, doors locked, and not a single trace of possession against the empty front lawn._

_Where had the Winchesters gone?_

_He fell to the grass, and didn't care for the sting on his palms as they collided with rocks. Where is Dean? Where did he go? He wanted to apologize, to say that it was all a mistake, and to make things better. But as he stared at the emptied house in front of him, he realized that he was a fool._

  
_The sadness that was once a way of life for him since the day he was born had returned, and this time, it bore a deeper pain within him. His mother died when she gave birth to him._ _Michael and Lucifer always leave home on their individual businesses and come home very late. Gabriel promised him that he wouldn't run off and create chaos in town, but he always does. Father said that he would return home soon, that he would take Castiel to the art museum when he gets back. He never did. They all left him alone. He was always so alone._

_This used to be something normal to him, but then Dean came along in his life._

_Dean was there when everyone else left him alone at home. Dean spoke to him even when he doesn't answer. Dean made him laugh and feel different kinds of emotions at the same time. Dean made him see the world. Dean had made him talk naturally. Dean was everything that made him wanted._

_But Dean left._

_Everyone._

_Everyone left him alone._

_Left to the cold barren shack that was his life._

_"Dean... I'm sorry. Please come back."_

_It had already been almost a year since the Winchesters' disappearance, but Castiel couldn't stop looking. He's never had a major panic attack before, and it only surfaced right here, at the emptied lot that was once a beautiful dream._

_"I miss you so much, Dean."_

 

The faded noise of Dean's voice calling out to him in a panic simply slipped into a hazy buzzing as Castiel released his grip on the device. 

 

Those words meant so much to him. Those exact words had become a prayer that he continuously said for months to years on end, with so little hope that one day Dean would say the same to him. There came a hollow space that could only be filled by temporary bandages. And he cannot shake away the feeling crawling up his skin. 

 

Warm hands gripped his shoulders tightly. He hadn't even realized that his door had swung open, a little trickster holding out the door. His eyes shot slightly upward and widened at the sight of green eyes staring at him with a pained reaction. He moved his attention back to his older brother, who moved a finger over his mouth and pointed upward where Michael's bedroom and private reading room is in. Without waiting for a reaction from Castiel, Gabriel slowly closed the door behind him, leaving the room.

 

Dean is inside his room. Castiel suddenly feels so vulnerable with having Dean inside the only place where Castiel could freely do whatever he likes away from the judging eyes of many. In his room were several paintings hung randomly and unfinished sketches taped onto the walls. There were numerous pop vinyl figurines of his favorite TV characters atop his desk. His bed sheets are currently designed like the Doctor's TARDIS, and his pajamas were printed with various Marvel characters in chibi form, Ironman's heart at the center of his shirt.

 

He moved away from Dean in one swift movement and covered his torso ineffectively, blushing hard against the dim light. His mouth was hung open, attempting to form words but failing. 

 

"Cas." Dean said in loudly in a hushed manner, "Are you okay? I was outside in the impala, just taking a night drive, you know and... Cas, what's wrong? Did I say something wrong? Cas, talk to me... I-"

 

Castiel moved forward, opening his arms for a hug. Dean quickly picked him up into a big hug, softly tracing circles on Cas' back and pushing his fingers lightly on Cas' hair. Both relaxed into the hug. Castiel dropped his head to the dip on the side of Dean's neck, inhaling the intoxicating scent he had grown to like very much.

 

"Dean."

 

"Cas."

 

"I missed you so much, Dean..." He felt like he was going limp, allowing the hollow space to consume him again.

 

"I missed you so much too, Cas." Dean tightened his hug on Cas' thin frame, willing Cas' trembling to stop with soft hums to classic rock songs. They stayed that way for several minutes, simply relishing the space they shared together.

 

Dean pulled away to softly swipe a thumb over Cas' tears, moving downward to softly ghost over his lips. No one really knew who moved in first and who initiated it, but soon enough their lips were joined in a soft and slow kiss. It was different from the other times they had kissed. There wasn't a sign of needy hunger, but rather it was a searching feeling, taking time to explore each other's senses in a calming mix into the night.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't really promise fast updates anymore, but I'll do my best. I hope you guys will continue to support this fic!


	8. "I missed you so much..." (Part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 2 of Chapter 7, so yeah... It's short. And uh... I'm sorry.

As much as Dean would have wanted to stay and keep Castiel company, he needed to leave or else Michael will notice something wrong: starting with the fact that the impala is sitting directly in front of their lawn. Also because Gabriel keeps randomly busting in to check if they were doing anything "suspicious." 

Dean successfully managed to lull Castiel to sleep with his hand warmly wrapped around Castiel's palm, as he sat beside Cas' bed and looked upon his sleeping form with a soft gaze. Before Gabriel could start doing his random rounds of "busting," he kissed Cas' forehead very tenderly before slowly removing his hand.

Castiel felt the loss of the warmth, his brows pinching in uneasiness, but Dean leaned in to place another kiss between Cas' eyes, calming him back to sleep. There was a certain kind of softness to Dean: one that was especially for Castiel, exclusively for Castiel. He would deny it to ends of the earth of how tender he was when dealing with Castiel, even as it had become almost like a natural habit to him.

He had always been brutish, loud, and arrogant growing up, but when Cas became part of the picture, he felt the need to adjust his lifestyle. But it never felt like an annoying change or a difficult decision, because it sprung alive on its own. He has never shown his entire self like this except to Cas. There were his numerous relationships in the past, but none were strong enough to expel his outer facade. 

Meeting Cas again after years when they moved back for high school was erratic for Dean. Terrified, he denies. Closing all doors to his outer shell had been strengthened when he was forcefully extracted from a life he once knew. The memories flashed in that long gaze they shared at the start of high school. Several meters apart, they were, but emotionally apart by a needle's width. There was so much pain in both their eyes, but mostly for different reasons. 

Trauma was never a reason Dean would admit. He didn't believe in such a thing, but not even the most naive person could deny all that was hidden within that intense gaze. 

So he hid and shunned away those images that kept flashing forward. Having Castiel so close to him was painful, because he didn't know if he could do it. There were so many "what ifs" circling his mind, and he decided to walk away. Castiel doesn't deserve a deserter. Castiel doesn't deserve a broken dog.

"Dean..."

His eyes shifted down to glassy, sleepy eyes looking up to him, a yawn escaping his lips slowly. And then it hit him. Castiel always saw him as a deserving person, someone with worth. Castiel was more than just soft-spoken, but he always looked upon Dean with such care and understanding. Castiel wouldn't even talk to him for months when they met as kids, but a day came when Castiel opened up, and it was the most beautiful thing Dean has ever witnessed.

But when he saw the betrayed and terrified look on Castiel's face during that party, pieces broke apart and portions of his facade began to surface.

He remembered why he needed Castiel. Why he decided to drop everything he was doing that day, to walk up to Castiel and pick up those heavy books. Why he confronted Gordon on another day and connected his fist to that bastard's face. Why he blurted out to his entire family about bringing Cas to the Roadhouse for breakfast. Why he ran after him when he saw that look on Castiel's face again. Why he carried Castiel out of the locker room. Why he kept softly brushing his fingers across Cas' hair. Why he couldn't stop holding Cas closely. Why he leaned in. Why he kissed him.

"Dean. Are you okay?" Cas slowly sat up, concern across his face. 

"I'm very okay, Cas..." Dean leaned it to place a small kiss on the tip of Cas' nose and softly smiled with that certain exclusivity. "Because you're here. You're... here with me."

It definitely caught Castiel off-guard, and he blushed furiously while looking anywhere except on Dean, failing to keep whatever his cool was, and ended up covering his face with his hands. Dean chuckled, but it didn't sound as if he was teasing. 

"I- Uh-- Dean..." The rest of Cas' words were garbled, only worsening his blushing. 

"Dean!" Gabriel hushed loudly, "Michael is on his way to check on us! Come on! Or else we'll both have a one-way ticket to the underworld!"

Dean sprung up from his seat and began to sprint off, but he abruptly stopped to look back at Castiel. He ran quickly toward him to place one more kiss on Cas' lips before dashing off without any more words.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Dean." Cas blurted out just loud enough for Dean to almost trip on his feet by the door. Dean turned to him but was immediately grabbed on the back by Gabriel and dragged hurriedly toward the stairs. 

Castiel wrapped his arms around his pillow, sinking his face into the soft fabric. He couldn't understand the fluttering feeling in his stomach and the edged shudder on the hairs of his skin. But he didn't want to stop the wide smile he forcibly hid over the pillow.

\---

"Good job, boys. Especially you, Winchester. I dunno what's gotten into you, but keep it up. We need more team spirit to win the next match." Their coach, Rufus, patted a hand firmly across Dean's back.

Gordon couldn't help but snicker. "I can suggest a few things that maybe could have "gotten in" to him. I'm not shocked, really. I always knew you were a bottom." Dean stiffened at his remark, and a panic rose up in him, pulling strings that should never be strung. 

"Fuck off, Walker." Benny stepped forward. "How about you go ahead and start skipping happily on your way to Alistair's house, so you guys can have your own private playtime." Gordon grunted and flipped him off before marching away.

"So you finally manned up, huh?" 

Dean moved his slightly panicked face toward Benny, coach Rufus, and the rest of the team. "W-What?"

"Please tell us you've already asked out that younger Novak kid?" Rufus deadpanned. 

"W-Wha..."

"You haven't?!" Benny almost yelled in disbelief at his face. 

"Dean. We're not stupid. We know you like Castiel."

"I--" Dean's panic spiked.

"Boy, if you two aren't official by tomorrow, I swear I'll have all of you run an extra twenty laps around the field during our next practice."

Dean was confused and somewhat conflicted at the same time. What was happening? Is this even real? His coach just threatened him with extra laps if he didn't... if he wasn't... if Cas....

"Dean, you're pale." Benny snapped fingers in front of his face. "You... knew?" Dean asked, moving his attention around his team with a deer-spotted-on-headlights face. "Dude. We've been waiting for this development for almost a year now." The others nodded agreeably to Benny's words.

The sound that came of Dean's mouth was apparently the funniest thing the team heard today, and everyone broke into fits of laughter. His teammates slung arms across Dean's shoulders. 

"We're really happy for you, Dean. We were a bit worried about those intense gazes you kept having across the distance, only having us discreetly discover that you were actually after Castiel Novak. I dunno how that happened, but he's got my vote, buddy." Benny managed to say through his slowing laughter. 

The panic had passed and all that was left was a definite sense of pride and warmth for Dean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I shit you not that I wrote this directly after my Statistics exam that made me want to crawl under a rock and mourn for my GWA. So much feelings.


	9. "Dean has always been like that... " (Part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is only part 1 of this chapter. Part 2 will be posted sometime after Wednesday.
> 
> If you're wondering why... I have 3 midterm exams this week, and I've been a little shit by not preparing earlier. 
> 
> Also, I wasn't able to update last week, because my best friend got hospitalized with dengue fever. So naturally, I freaked out because numerous people have died from it. She's fine now. :D 
> 
> PS. Just wanted to let you all know that I'm not dead.

Perhaps it was the way Castiel moved. Or maybe it was the small smile subtly ghosting over his face. It may also be the definite glowing aura he is spreading across the room. It was an uncanny sight. Strange, really. But it didn't matter for  either of the three brothers. They liked this change.

Gabriel's face was beaming with smugness, and Lucifer seemed to pick up quickly on what must have happened. As for the eldest, he was at a total loss.

Even at school, Castiel was visibly more relaxed around the crowds. He didn't hunch his shoulders forward while hugging a text book with a death grip across his chest. Instead, he walked relatively properly, and there was a pleasant glow in his expression. Charlie couldn't help but raise a brow continuously throughout the day at this sudden change. Not that she was complaining, she kind of appreciates it really.

"Hey Cas, I heard the faculty have an emergency meeting on our last period class." Dean leaned beside Cas' locker, cautiously looking around the crowd. Charlie eyed him suspiciously then protectively wrapped an arm over Cas' shoulders, pulling him away from Dean's reach. "Yeah, we've heard." 

Dean shot her a look, and Cas simply exchanged confused looks toward them. 

"Cas, I was wondering if we could go somewhere... Since your brother will be picking you up on the regular schedule, right?" Dean nervously pushed his fingers across his hair, while keeping the blush across his neck at bay. "I wanted to show you something... but only if you want to. I mean- You don't have to... I just- If you could- If- uh- I- Cas-"

"Of course, I'll go with you, Dean." Cas answered softly. Hearing his deep voice undisturbed by stutters and shortness of breath was still something to get used to, but it made both Dean and Charlie unconsciously smile.

"Great. I'll uh- I'll see you at the parking lot later at 3. By the impala... Uh- Yeah. Okay. Bye." He rushed his words in a jumble before making a quick dash away.

Charlie blurted out a laugh. "Who knew you'd be the only person to make Dean's smoothness falter. It's very amusing."

"Dean has always been like that... Well, on my memory anyway..."

She looked up a bit startled, "Really? Dean wasn't always the pretentious bastard he is now?" Cas shook his head, a small frown forming.

"Hey, hey. I was just kidding. I don't know Dean all too well to really know what he's like. I've only heard rumors, but hey, knowing you two practically grew up together, I've got a stronger foundation on who to believe." Charlie bumped their shoulders lightly.

"I..." His voice began to fade back into a whisper. "We grew apart, so I... I'm not sure a-anymore."

"Well, from the sound of what Dean said, or what he attempted to elaborate earlier, I think he's planned a date of some sort." She smiled, "That'll be the perfect time for both of you to properly catch up, right?" He nodded, hopeful of what Dean may have planned. Was it really going to be a date? Or will Dean just be showing him some stuff to waste the time with? Would that still be considered a date, though? 

Castiel's head was too preoccupied with the possible events of later, that the rest of the afternoon went by a little too quickly. He found himself slightly fidgeting a meter away beside the impala, as if he was terrified to get closer to Dean's baby. He made sure to tell Gabriel about it and promised to meet at the specified  
intersection before reaching their house at the scheduled time. The impala cannot be seen near their residence, Gabriel stressed. He said that Michael shouldn't know about Dean for now.

Michael was very much affected in a enraged manner when Castiel was left behind without a word. He, as well, treated Dean like a younger brother in the past. When the Winchesters decided to leave the town without a trace and when Chuck Novak, their father, went missing, it was as if all locks on Michael's brain unlatched themselves. He became a sort of dictator who was extremely overprotective of his family. 

Due to recent events concerning Castiel and Dean's encounter that Michael has knowledge on, it has been silently decided upon by them to keep the rest of the story a secret. 

A few students were passing by, staring at him in question. Maybe he should have stayed by the parking lot entrance. He wanted to move, but plenty of eyes were drilling him on the spot. It was never a pleasant feeling to garner multiple attentions. He'd feel so small and judged when there are countless eyes fixated on his movement. The effect was the same, even during that fraternity party: he'd feel numb and couldn't move out of pressure. 

"Cas! Hey!" 

He looked up to see a disheveled, somehow exhausted, yet happily grinning Dean Winchester running up toward him. "Sorry I took so long. Coach made us run laps." Cas stared at him in awe. Did Dean just run from the field all the way from the back of the school to the parking lot? He ran as quick as he could to reach him.

"Well, come on. We got a strict schedule to follow." Dean took out his keys and quickly slipped into the impala. Cas rushed to catch up and get in shotgun. "Where are we going, Dean?" 

"Uhm... Somewhere..." Dean looked away. "Y-You'll see." He was about to step on the gas, but a small glance to Castiel made him stop. Almost automatically, he reached toward Cas and pulled the seatbelt down for him. Cas froze at the gesture, and he can't help the shudder that passes, as he looked away toward the window while muttering a thank you. 

Dean didn't seem to notice and quickly began the silent drive. He didn't expect the tension to thicken like this again. He wasn't sure if his decisions for this short two-hour date would go well. With Cas it was different. This time, he wasn't winging it like he did with previous dates with all his ex-girlfriends or flings. Back then, it didn't matter if he just took someone out to a cheap diner with good enough pie to suffice. 

With Castiel, he wanted things to go great. He didn't want Castiel to be disappointed, or for him to feel disappointed in himself. He's never done this before, and he doesn't know what it's like to take a guy out on a date. Would Cas feel insulted if he accidentally treats Cas the wrong way? Would Cas' undeniably douchebag brothers cut off his head? Would... Why was he worrying so much? Knowing Castiel, he'd love small things. Castiel was always very understanding and mild-mannered and gentle and kind and cute and adorable and---

"Dean, are you alright?" Cas hand softly brushed over his arm. "Your face is heating up."

"-We're here!" He cut Cas off, stopping the car and hurriedly getting out of his seat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 2 will be their date :D 
> 
> *POSSIBLY* they will talk about what really happened when the Winchesters had to leave town. Trigger warnings will be placed on the beginning notes. 
> 
> If ya'll thought the pain and angst are over, you've been severely mislead. 
> 
> All according to plan 3:)


	10. "Dean has always been like that..." (Part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I probably talk too much on the chapter notes. I bet it's pretty annoying and irrelevant :I So I'll stop...
> 
> Angst up ahead...

Cas moved his attention to his right, taking in the sight of an old playground. The area was small and covered mostly in untrimmed and uneven grass. One of the swings were missing a chain link, and the broken wooden seat dangled motionless a few inches from the ground. The metal slides were rust-eaten and looked like they would give out anytime. 

"I thought this place would look just the same as before, but I guess kids nowadays play at home more..." Dean murmured to himself.

Castiel was still entranced by the sight in front of him, only to be interrupted by the light taps on his shoulder. He turned to see Dean holding up a small and old-looking chessboard. "Hi! Can you teach me how to play this thing?"

\---

"Hi! Can ya' teach me how to play 'zis thing?" The freckled little blonde-hair boy held up a small chessboard still encased in plastic packaging wrap. The dark-haired boy, who was silently standing around the edges of the playground, looked around cautiously, ducking his head away.

"I'm Dean, by the way! What's yer name?" His toothy smile was bright and his voice was loud. 

He doesn't look like someone who'd play chess, the dark-haired boy thought to himself. He opened his mouth, but words failed him and only an awkward sound came out. Embarrassment crept up his cheeks, and he turned to run away, but warm hands gripped him tightly on his wrist. "Hey, I didn't mean to scare ya!"

Panic rose as Dean's hand gripped his wrist tightly. Physical touch was a non-negotiable aspect when interacting with people, not even with his own family. 

"What are you doing to my little brother, twerp?" An even louder voice sprung forward and pulled Dean away. "This guy bothering you, Cassey?" A golden-haired older boy, who was taller and larger than the two, turned to his younger brother in question.

Dean looked back at Cas in fear, with his dangling position of being held up by the back of his shirt. Castiel exchanged glances between him and his brother, but the look on Dean's face made him shake his head.

"You sure?" Dean was dropped ungracefully onto the ground. "Don't try any funny business on my little bro, you got that?"

Dean pushed himself up on his elbows, trying his best not to shoot the guy a look. Before he could say something, soft hands wrapped faintly on his arm, trying to pull him up from the ground. He looked up to see Castiel and his smile was back up. 

"I'm s-s-sorr...-y," Castiel struggled to say. His older brother smiled at the two and silently left.

"So ya do talk!" Dean beamed excitedly, "I knew it!" His smile was contagious in a way. It reminded Cas whenever Michael or Lucifer would laugh. It was a rare phenomenon, but when it did happen, Castiel would find himself smiling as well.

"And ya smile too! The others said yer a robot, but I didn't think ya were." Dean's words had a sense of pride in them, despite being slurred a bit in a child's accent. "Ya just don't talk much, right? Is okay! I've been through somethin' like that."

Dean just kept talking and talking without the tiniest sense of awkwardness from the lack of replies. Castiel didn't understand. Why wasn't this boy leaving? Why was he still talking to him? 

"Castiel." He muttered under his breath.

"What?" Dean stopped and stared at him in question.

"C-Castiel..." He said a bit louder. "My...name."

"Cast-t-t-ehl?" Dean had a hard time pronouncing the name. "Your name is really fancy sounding. I'mma call ya Cas."

\---

"Dean... that's..." Cas stared at the chessboard aged with time, then he moved his attention around the playground. "This is..."

"Yeah... I didn't want to be cheezy, but..." Dean unzipped his huge duffel bag that Cas didn't even realize Dean was holding. "I still remember you like this kind of thing..." He pulled out a thick fabric from the bag and began to spread it out across the grassy terrain. Dean knelt down on the fabric and began taking out boxes and bottles from the bag. In no time, he easily prepared a decent-looking picnic with simple burgers and apple juice.

Cas was already smiling, staring at Dean entranced. "Come on. We don't exactly have much time." Cas slowly crouched down on the ground, keeping a noticeable distance from Dean. If it were before, he would have stayed as close as possible to Dean, but at this point, he wasn't sure what was considered uncomfortable for Dean.

Dean didn't seem to pick up on Cas' uneasiness and simply inched closer to him, their elbows almost brushing. The small chessboard found its way onto Cas' hands. "Hold on to that for me, 'kay?" Dean began preparing the burgers for both of them. Cas stared at the chessboard and felt the familiarity and ease of holding it again. The tattered edges and the obviously worn out edges pinched a memory in Cas, causing a sad smile on his face.

"Hey... You're thinking too much, again." Dean stared at Cas, and their eyes went back into a lock. 

"Dean?"

"Yeah?"

"W-What is this?"

Dean's brows scrunched up slightly, "What do you mean?"

"What is this for? The...p-picnic..." Dean couldn't hide the expression of being taken aback, but he quickly concealed it with a dry laugh. "This is... This is... Cas, can I... ask you something first?" Cas nodded. "Back when... Seven years ago... Why... I mean-Uh... Did you..." Dean inched closer to Cas to capture his full attention. "When you kissed me... Was it because... you...felt... something for me?"

Cas wasn't particularly stunned by the questioned and answered with a soft steady voice, "Did I kiss you because I loved you? Yes, Dean. I did." Dean swallowed hard, looking away for a moment. He had an expression that made him doubt Cas. 

"I did love you, Dean. And I still do. It never changed."

"Why?" 

This time it did catch Cas off guard, and his walls were up again. He suddenly felt small and unwanted, burrowing a wall behind his anxieties.

"How could you say that you still love me, Cas? What if I told you I'm not the same as before? That I've broken myself one too many times over and over since I've been gone? Would you still stay after everything I've done? After everything that happened to me?!"

"Then tell me what happened, Dean!" Cas' voice loudened with a spit of rage, but his expression quickly dropped. "I want to know, and I doubt anything you say will make me change my mind." An unknowing tear escaped Dean's left eye, but it was softly brushed away by Cas' fingers. "You keep saying those things... But I still don't see the difference you speak of. I only see the person I grew up with, the person I fell in love with."

They held their gaze for a moment, questioning each other in silent glances and pushing comfort against every possible tear that could fall. Dean felt embarrassed with himself. He shouldn't have opened up about this. Now he was the one who was crying, with Cas constantly praising him for things he doesn't deserve. But he isn't really shocked. Cas was always the real stable one, and he was the emotional wreck. 

"Open the box, Cas..." It wasn't exactly a command, because his voice was nearly a whisper. Cas assumes that he meant the chessboard, so he unlatched the small lock and opened up the case. He froze for a moment as he saw the contents. 

"I always kept it..." Dean gruffly adjusted his position to make him look less vulnerable. "I'd be reminded of how happy you were when you gave it to me... I never admitted it, but by that time... I-- You know what, never mind that for now."

Dean grabbed the two small metal rings from inside the chessboard. "I had an identical one made for you. I didn't know how I was going to give it to you without making the scene too chick flick-ish, but I guess it's too late for that now." Dean gestured for Cas' hand, then he slowly placed the newer looking ring on Cas. "Together Forever." Dean chuckled as he read the inscription on the older looking ring before putting it on, "I always knew you were the cheezier one of the two of us."

"Dean... Did you just put a ring on me?" 

"Perhaps..."

"Then..."

"Look. I'm really no good with the whole procedure for this, but whatever your thinking, Cas... Yes. I did just put a ring on you." He said with a small knowing smirk, then began to bite into his burger in an attempt to drop the subject.

"Then...-"

Cas was cut off with the sudden quick peck to his lips to shut him up, and Dean deemed it very effective. Seeing Cas blush is truly one of the greatest things Dean enjoys to see. "Shut up and eat your burger." He grumpily said. Cas smiled and also began to silently eat.

"Mhhmm..." Cas' mood began to lighten up while eating. He was much slower than Dean, who gobbled it up in no time. "Good, huh?" Dean's mood has also begun to lighten up, as he focused his attention on Castiel. 

"This makes me very happy." Castiel nodded. Dean wanted to say that Cas made him very happy, but he'll save that for later use.

"I will tell you, Cas. But not today... okay?" Dean sighed. Castiel swallowed the food in his mouth and moved to place a small kiss on the side of Dean's eye. "Of course, Dean."

"Castiel." A familiar and threatening voice made both of them flinch. There was no reaction time given when suddenly, arms roughly grabbed Dean from behind and pulled him from the ground. Castiel turned to see policemen trying to subdue Dean's struggling form. 

A shadow loomed over Castiel, and he turned to see the enraged eyes of his eldest brother.


End file.
